I’m writing a healthy cookbook of dessert recipes using unsweetened sugar.
My idea of a polar bear plunge is a big white guy diving into my bed.
Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.
The United States’ national mascot is the border patrol agent.
Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate.
I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.
Paso Robles should plant coca and experiment with cocaine production. Locals and tourists could go farm to farm cocaine sampling. Customers could pair cocaine with different types of razor blades and mirrors. Why not? Cocaine is safer than alcohol. In the meantime, I will go to Georgia for peanut butter sampling. I’m going to bring a sterling silver knife to spread peanut butter on artisan crackers. I will pair peanut butter with chocolate, pretzels, and bread, and brag about what flavors I sense in the peanut butter. I will attend competitions and marvel at hand-painted peanut butter jar labels.
Breastfeeding women should be out of sight and locked in a dungeon.
If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.
If watching reality TV can kill brain cells, then maybe it can kill cancer cells.
There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?
I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.
As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.
The Author Showcase went great. Here I am at my table. Click here to watch video of my presentation.
I will be one of the authors presenting at this Author Showcase. Come check it out. Free! I will present on how to create a demand for your book. Here is the Local Author Showcase Presentation Schedule.
Which is the bigger thief? The bank robber or the bank?
Last time I hung my clothes out to dry a piece went missing. It was easy to identify the culprit. He delivered my mail wearing a red teddy.
I received my AARP membership packet, which included a rape whistle.
It doesn’t bother me that I’m not married. I’d rather die an old maid than made old.
Bernie Madoff has a framed dollar bill with the caption: first dollar swindled.
Nanogreens is named such because its effect on your health is infinitesimal.
I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.
Happy Halloween! At an airport I saw a gate agent wearing a nurse costume. I loved it. All gate and ticket agents should dress as nurses. She was patient and nice.
With my last therapist there was a role reversal. She was the one lying on the couch. And she just lay there. Her name was Jane Doe.
I saw a lady who bought The Every Excuse in the Book Book a few months ago. She said, “I love it. I keep it in my bathroom. I just have two pages left.” I don’t want to know what happened to the other 294 pages.
I don’t mind living paycheck to paycheck. It’s better than living loan to loan.
Kanye West’s last name is an indication of which direction he should go with his music: out into the middle of the ocean where no one can hear it.
My biggest pet peeve: cat
Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html
A new body type, besides endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph, has been added: convex.
I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.
Barnes & Noble in Spokane Valley, Washington, will have two of my books on their shelves in about two weeks. The store ordered That’s a Bunch of Quackery! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days. My other books may be ordered.
Store info.: 15310 E. Indiana Ave., 509-922-4104
Thursday, September 6, 2018, I will present My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant to a Rotary group in Paso Robles, CA. This meeting is open only to Rotary members. If you are a member, please come. I’d love for you to be there. I’ll have copies for sale: $20 each. I co-authored this book–Carole Breton’s autobiography.
Here is a transcript of what happened onstage at ImprovAcadia.
I was called up onstage and asked questions about my relationship. I don’t know what the game was supposed to be, but the host assumed I would tell the truth. I planned on telling the truth, but what the hell. I’m a comedy writer who loves improv.
“Hi, What’s your name?” the host asked.
“Jeanne,” I said.
“How long have you been in a relationship?”
“Are you married or . . . ?”
“Where is your husband now?”
“How long has he been prison?”
“Then how did you meet him?”
“I saw him on TV and felt sorry for him, so I started writing him letters.”
“What did he do?”
“He embezzled money from his company. That’s why I can see him on weekends.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a writer.”
“What’s the title of one of your books?”
“The Every Excuse in the Book Book.”
“Where is your husband in prison?”
“Alcatraz?! It has been closed for decades.”
“It was re-opened just for him. He can’t swim.”
At this point the host knew I was pulling her leg and asked me to go back to my seat. The players moved onto the next game.
Here I am with Jen Shepard (right) at ImprovAcadia in Bar Harbor, Maine (8/13/18). ImprovAcadia is a troupe of seasoned performers who are accompanied by a talented keyboardist. This was the best improv show I’ve ever seen. Of course, I volunteered to go up on stage, but I didn’t let on that I’m a comedy writer. I had so much fun! No video, sorry.
My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant (Stinky Ghost Cat Books, $14.95), a book I co-wrote with Carole Breton last year, is now available! During her final year of life with Lou Gehrig’s disease, Carole Breton recounts living each day fully and adventurously while honoring her life purpose as a messenger. Read Antiperspirant to learn about Lou Gehrig’s disease and the disease’s association to military service, to be inspired to write your own story, to live vicariously through Carole’s past, or to just have a good laugh. The bad news is that Carole died Feb. 15, 2018. The good news is that she lived to see her story come to life. She was very happy with how her book turned out. Visit http://jeannemurdock.com/antiperspirant/ to read excerpts and to order a copy.
Today is my 26th anniversary in business. Who knew that my human health and fitness services would morph to dog massage? Who knew that I would go from writing health and fitness books to autobiographies? I spent all of last year co-writing autobiographies for two people. We finished writing the books in December. One book is in the first stage of editing, and the other should be available in a week. Also, The Every Excuse in the Book Book is in its second printing. Stay tuned and thank you for being my fans.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.