Young from the chest up

A few years ago, a photographer I consulted was commissioned for a pin-up shoot with me as the model. When I picked up our prints, the workers acted strangely and reluctant to hand over the photos. The manager said that she almost called the police. I couldn’t imagine why. The photos were beautiful, artful . . . and I was clothed. She said that the model looked underage. I said, “I’m the model and I’m 45 years old.” Photos in hand, I left the store beaming with high self-esteem. Then, I panicked. Did the manager judge my age by my bust line!?

Biphobic

I love men. If I were a guy I would definitely be gay. Instead, I’m a straight girl in a lesbian’s body. Does that make me transgender?

Can I get a twenty for my best scar yet . . . ?

Door knocking casualty. Who thought it was a good idea to build a retaining wall and not secure the top tiles? Who thought it was a good idea to do parkour in a dress while carrying books? I think I broke my thumb. Of course I kept going–Lamaze breathing and all–but I didn’t earn any sympathy twenties.

I’m sorry I don’t speak Chinese

I had a fun shopping spree. I bought all I could that was made in China; soon I won’t be able to. My new shoes were made in China! My purse is from China! My pants are from China! Am I sure I don’t want to adopt a child?

Dog to child, “They kicked you out, too?”

The obesity epidemic is evident even in missing children ads. Every age progressed child is obese.  Eventually, the ad space will have to expand to fit these larger people. Some of the children are so homely, too. I’m not surprised they went missing. Maybe their parents took the children to the mountains, like people do with dogs they don’t want anymore.

The mailman can’t keep a secret

A postal worker takes several package slips at once, looks for the boxes, and brings them to the counter. Then, the worker yells your home address. So much for confidentiality. The clerk might as well say, “2650 Elk Ln. You don’t lock your doors at night. Here’s your package. Let’s see. 6156 Canyon Dr. You have an old corvette in the driveway with the keys in the glove compartment. Here’s your package. 72 Elm St. You keep your cash hidden in the freezer. There you are.”

It’s not all about you

I have never been offended by something a comedian said. Ever. They aren’t addressing or referring to anyone specifically (except celebrities). It’s not like comedians are inserting my name in every joke. “I don’t trust people who hate cats . . . like Jeanne Murdock.” “Personal trainers are just athletes with no brains . . . like Jeanne Murdock.” “People with celiac disease are always complaining about the gluten-free diet . . . like Jeanne Murdock.” OK the last one is true, and I’m still not offended. Remember: How you feel at any given moment is your choice.

Not so conscientious

At a restaurant, I heard a waitress ask a man if he would like another beer. He said, “No. I’m driving.” I laughed and choked on my food. That proclamation was supposed to come before the first drink.

I had a fun time at my audition for America’s Got Talent, today. It went great! It was a fun experience. I am supposed to know within three weeks if (and when) I move on.

I’m an actress, you know!

I was pulled over for drunk driving. After the cop called in my information, I heard the dispatcher say, “Her record is so clean I can smell bleach residue.” Nevertheless, the officer requested that I take a field sobriety test, but I plead the fifth. Then, I used my phone to show him video of me performing the field sobriety test on skates . . . on stage. I sped off while he was on the ground laughing.

America’s Got Talent audition

A month ago, the casting director of America’s Got Talent discovered me, after she searched YouTube for a roller skating comedy act. Per her request, I submitted this video for her to pitch me to the executives who subsequently invited me for a private audition. I will be in L.A. February 11 to perform for them in person. I’ll keep you updated.

Third-world meeting

I attended a Doctors without Borders convention, because I thought that it would be a great way to meet my ideal guy. It didn’t go so well. It turned out the gathering was for Men without Boundaries.

My Dearest Ebeneezer, Despite all you anger, you make children and adults glow with Christmas joy. Your heart light pierces your steel facade and blinds you from seeing the love you truly hold. Lovingly, Your Mistressscroogex1

Woman, you’re raising my blood pressure!

Someone bored me by quoting the book of Genesis, stating that since Lot’s wife wrongly looked back at her luxurious life in Sodom, God turned her into a pillar of salt. Did Lot then use his wife to preserve meat? At least she would have been useful. And why salt? If God really wanted to be helpful, he would have just turned her into a refrigerator. Now that’s martyrdom.

Emptying the bucket . . . list

As in football, life should have a 2-minute warning to give you the opportunity to go all out. What would your Hail Mary be? Or, would you be content with what you accomplished to just kneel until the time ran out?

Sad song

I’m surprised that classical music is still played at weddings. The music should be representative of the union. I recommend “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” “Another One Bites the Dust,” “Girlfriend in a Coma,” “Better Man,” “Breaking the Chains,” “Lost Cause,” “Somebody’s Baby,” “She’s Gone,” “Miserable,” “Got You Where I Want You.”

“Excuse me, stewardess. I speak jive.”

Did you know that hand gestures are associated with Ebonics? I didn’t either. I was skating near basketball players, waving my hand to the music, when I suddenly found myself dodging basketballs. I guess I gestured something offensive. So, I went right into hip hop dancing to demonstrate “I come in peace.”

Clear!

I saw a tall, morbidly obese man wearing a shirt that said, “I’m hard to kidnap.” So funny! But, it should have said, “I’m hard to revive.”

Tricked out

Are you all dressed as dogs, today, so that I will massage you? My costume is as simple as having cash in my bra and is titled endowment.

Please take me off your list

Each stage of my life I’ve received certain invitations. When I was a child, I received birthday party invitations, in college—study group invites, in my 20s—wedding invitations, 30s—baby showers, 40s—one-night stands. In my 50s, I will probably receive invitations for support groups.

Roundabout tales

I met a man and his little dog that did tricks. Over and over he told his dog to spin, but it didn’t. I said, “I’m a dog whisperer, and your dog wants me to tell you, ‘You spin, asshole.’”

Continually unavailable

It’s frustrating when an item I really like is discontinued. Instead, these should be discontinued:

  • Debt
  • Arrogance
  • Bad drivers
  • War
  • Family drama
  • Hot flashes
  • Murky tap water
  • Jokes that bomb
  • DMV lines
    I would love to hand a mortgage check to a bank teller, and have her say, “I’m sorry. That loan has been discontinued.” SCORE!

I didn’t ask for it

In addition to desires, we all have unintentional bucket lists. Here is an excerpt of mine: Have my purse stolen. Check, check. Get rear-ended. Check. Get fired for stealing money that I saw someone else take. Check. Be blacklisted while earning my dietetics degree. Check. Get kicked out of somewhere for roller skating. Check, check, check, check . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tempting read

Before using a grocery store restroom, I set my Excuses book on a table in the nearby dining area. When I came out, it was gone. I scanned the room and guessed who took the book. I approached the man, and he took it out of his grocery bag and said that he was going to turn it in to lost and found (i.e., his bookshelf). I told him I wrote the book and suggested that he own it. He quickly gave me $20 and ran off. What a great way to sell a book: allow it to be stolen.

Supersize my mayonnaise

If people just ate what they wanted they would lose weight. What do they really want? Condiments. They don’t really like waffles; they like syrup. They don’t really like raw vegetables; they like ranch dressing. They don’t really like coffee; they like cream and sugar. They don’t really like hamburger; they like ketchup. They don’t really like fish sticks; they like tartar sauce. Just eating condiments is a great way to cut out A LOT of Calories.

Don’t bother me; I’m eating

Does anyone remember Rose & Crown Pub in San Luis Obispo? They had the best BBQ beef sandwich. One night when I was there eating one, content with BBQ sauce all over my face, a paper came flying over to me and landed at my feet. A guy at the bar motioned for me to pick it up and read it. “You eat like a pig, but you’re cute.” I crumpled it up and threw it back. That pick-up line would work on me now.

Let me take a closer look

I’m surprised no one figured out that the services I’ve offered aren’t based on what I like to do, but what I like to wear. As a swimming instructor I wore a bathing suit, personal trainer—sweats, writer—pajamas, comedian—skates, dog masseuse—shorts & t-shirt. Which in-queue service can I pair with being naked? Private investigation!

New retailer

Hands Gallery in San Luis Obispo, California, is now carrying “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” It’s a really cute shop. Check it out. www.handsgallery.com

Rotary newsletter

rotary 2014 newslVery nice article written about me in Paso Robles Rotary’s newsletter after I presented It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days: A customer service manual for businesses.