It doesn’t bother me that I’m not married. I’d rather die an old maid than made old.
Bernie Madoff has a framed dollar bill with the caption: first dollar swindled.
Nanogreens is named such because its effect on your health is infinitesimal.
I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.
Happy Halloween! At an airport I saw a gate agent wearing a nurse costume. I loved it. All gate and ticket agents should dress as nurses. She was patient and nice.
With my last therapist there was a role reversal. She was the one lying on the couch. And she just lay there. Her name was Jane Doe.
I saw a lady who bought The Every Excuse in the Book Book a few months ago. She said, “I love it. I keep it in my bathroom. I just have two pages left.” I don’t want to know what happened to the other 294 pages.
I don’t mind living paycheck to paycheck. It’s better than living loan to loan.
Kanye West’s last name is an indication of which direction he should go with his music: out into the middle of the ocean where no one can hear it.
My biggest pet peeve: cat
Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html
A new body type, besides endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph, has been added: convex.
I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.
I have had unprotected sex many times and have never been pregnant. I think that my ova carry pepper spray when they’re out for a stroll through the fallopian tubes.
Since I want my money to go far, I invest in vagabonds.
If people with tattoos really want to prove that they have a high pain tolerance, then they should get married. Marriage is more expensive, but at least it’s not permanent.
I am self-employed, because by the time I was 23 I had used my allotment of “that’s not in the job description.”
Barnes & Noble in Spokane Valley, Washington, will have two of my books on their shelves in about two weeks. The store ordered That’s a Bunch of Quackery! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days. My other books may be ordered.
Store info.: 15310 E. Indiana Ave., 509-922-4104
If I unknowingly dated a spy, I wouldn’t worry about him planting something on me just as long as it’s not sperm.
My friend was in a serious car crash, but she’s OK. Instead of flowers I was going to send her something she could really use: a masseuse, maid, and chef, but I couldn’t find anyone who delivered.
When I’m door knocking, people fail miserably at convincing me that they lead a healthy lifestyle. During one man’s tale, pizza was delivered. Another man was holding a beer and smelled like a bar at 2 a.m. (Someday will have to be last call, buddy!) A woman took a call and told her friend that she wanted two orders of fish sticks with extra tartar sauce. Another woman tried to catch and hide a pack of cigarettes that fell out of her car.
Thursday, September 6, 2018, I will present My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant to a Rotary group in Paso Robles, CA. This meeting is open only to Rotary members. If you are a member, please come. I’d love for you to be there. I’ll have copies for sale: $20 each. I co-authored this book–Carole Breton’s autobiography.
Musicians daydream about someone else setting up and taking down equipment for a concert. I daydream about someone turning on and off my computer.
The restaurant industry has taken a big step back in accommodating people with celiac disease. I asked a worker at an ice cream shop which flavors were gluten free. She said, “All of our ice creams that don’t have gluten in them are gluten free, if that makes sense.”
When I tell a cat lover that I don’t like cats, they inevitably proceed to tell me cat stories. Even someone with autism would read that social cue accurately.
Here is a transcript of what happened onstage at ImprovAcadia.
I was called up onstage and asked questions about my relationship. I don’t know what the game was supposed to be, but the host assumed I would tell the truth. I planned on telling the truth, but what the hell. I’m a comedy writer who loves improv.
“Hi, What’s your name?” the host asked.
“Jeanne,” I said.
“How long have you been in a relationship?”
“Are you married or . . . ?”
“Where is your husband now?”
“How long has he been prison?”
“Then how did you meet him?”
“I saw him on TV and felt sorry for him, so I started writing him letters.”
“What did he do?”
“He embezzled money from his company. That’s why I can see him on weekends.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a writer.”
“What’s the title of one of your books?”
“The Every Excuse in the Book Book.”
“Where is your husband in prison?”
“Alcatraz?! It has been closed for decades.”
“It was re-opened just for him. He can’t swim.”
At this point the host knew I was pulling her leg and asked me to go back to my seat. The players moved onto the next game.
Here I am with Jen Shepard (right) at ImprovAcadia in Bar Harbor, Maine (8/13/18). ImprovAcadia is a troupe of seasoned performers who are accompanied by a talented keyboardist. This was the best improv show I’ve ever seen. Of course, I volunteered to go up on stage, but I didn’t let on that I’m a comedy writer. I had so much fun! No video, sorry.
Most dogs are mixed breed: half pure bred and half over-fed.
I don’t feel well,
Hurry. Take a pill,
Heaven forbid my body,
Can cure my temporary ill.
Oh, no! GMO!
Don’t change that seed!
I’ll fight you in Washington,
As I smoke my weed.
A glass a day is OK,
My doctor said so,
Though advice from the morbidly obese?
He can’t even see his toes.
Science doesn’t matter,
I’ll do what I want,
I fought in the war,
Now my country owes me a lot.
Kids these days,
Expect everything on a platter,
We were never that way,
Why we look like tatter.
Copyright Jeanne “Bean” Murdock 2018
My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant (Stinky Ghost Cat Books, $14.95), a book I co-wrote with Carole Breton last year, is now available! During her final year of life with Lou Gehrig’s disease, Carole Breton recounts living each day fully and adventurously while honoring her life purpose as a messenger. Read Antiperspirant to learn about Lou Gehrig’s disease and the disease’s association to military service, to be inspired to write your own story, to live vicariously through Carole’s past, or to just have a good laugh. The bad news is that Carole died Feb. 15, 2018. The good news is that she lived to see her story come to life. She was very happy with how her book turned out. Visit http://jeannemurdock.com/antiperspirant/ to read excerpts and to order a copy.
My improv performance from 2/15/18 went great. Visit my YouTube channel, beanners1 to watch video from the fun night. We had a great turnout. Thanks to all who came to watch and to my fellow “players.”
Today is my 26th anniversary in business. Who knew that my human health and fitness services would morph to dog massage? Who knew that I would go from writing health and fitness books to autobiographies? I spent all of last year co-writing autobiographies for two people. We finished writing the books in December. One book is in the first stage of editing, and the other should be available in a week. Also, The Every Excuse in the Book Book is in its second printing. Stay tuned and thank you for being my fans.
I will perform at an improv show Thursday, February 15, at 7 p.m. Come watch a hilarious show. $5. Lasts about 90 minutes. Underground Brewing Company, 1040 Broad St., San Luis Obispo, CA.
True story. I’m almost done writing another book. In 1979, two probation officers escorted six teenage boys into a federal prison to participate in Scared Straight. Not only were the boys subjected to the predicted yelling but also they were forced to fully strip and were molested by several inmates for more than an hour. I’m honored to be entrusted with this story and hope that it will yield justice and peace for the boys. Also, I am hoping that the book’s publicity will bring forward four of the boys whose identities I haven’t learned, yet.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.