Unsound decision

A highly sensitive person, such as myself, has no business being in sales—especially door knocking. I get yelled at all the time. For example, a man whose daughter was a personal trainer told me that he wouldn’t buy just any book, only one that is a good investment. He didn’t buy a book.

Held up

I walked into a bank and asked for change for a fifty.
The teller asked, “Are you a customer here?”
“No,” I said.
“OK well I’ll do it just this one time. Normally I wouldn’t because this bill could be counterfeit and I want to protect our customers from fraud.”
“Ha! Your company committed major fraud against your customers.”
“It wasn’t
that much fraud.”
A little bit of fraud is OK.

Next!

A division of my business is growing exponentially. I can’t keep up. Unfortunately, it’s the complaint department.

Flight Pattern

I finished writing my first screenplay and uploaded it to the copyright office. Now I am sending it out for sale, looking for an agent or directly a producer. The screenplay is a comedy movie called Flight Pattern.

Gold meddlist

ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
5. Bathing
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
10. Dressing

Put it on ice

I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”

MIA NIH

I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.

Loaded invitation

What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.

Playing hard ball

Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.

Commandear

I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”  Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.

Darn! I was going to buy this blouse to wear to bed, on a plane, and to a bonfire.

Clear!

I saw a commercial where the spokesman for a hospital said, “We surveyed our emergency room patients and found that 98% of them would use our facility again.”  The other 2% died waiting to be seen.

Take a load off

Just when I think that I’ve dumped all of my emotional baggage, a carry-on lands on my head. And then there’s the make-up bag—the one that paints the facade that I am well-adjusted.

Cash discount

After I collected my change from my pre-paid gas, I found that the cashier short-changed me a few cents. I told him, and he gave me the rest that was due. Sure that he did this on purpose, I counted my change carefully the second time I was there. Same thing happened. When he was collecting my change the third time I was there, I said, “Don’t short-change me on purpose again.” A big smile swept across his face. Busted! The cashier was not embarrassed at all. He loved that I caught him. The business must be making a nice profit short-changing people, who don’t count their money.

In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.

Thinking ahead

Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?

Not exactly

I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”

Silver screen

Friday night I finished writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. I’ll spend the next two weeks editing it and then I’ll upload it to the copyright office. After I receive my copyright certificate I will send out the screenplay for sale. At that time I will be able to talk about the story.

27th Anniversary

Today I’m observing my business’s 27th anniversary. I’ve always said that a lot can be done with a physical education degree, but I didn’t know that it would amount to comedy and biography writing. I’m starting my third year of writing people’s life stories and creating books for my clients. I’m still taking new clients. And for the last four months I’ve been writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. Thank you for your business or for just being a fan. Today I celebrated my special day by snow shoeing, for my first time, in Shaver Lake, CA.

New excuses

Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate. 

Rotary newsletter

rotary 2014 newslVery nice article written about me in Paso Robles Rotary’s newsletter after I presented It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days: A customer service manual for businesses.