Send in the clowns

When I die I want to have an open-casket funeral so that I can see all my friends walk by. I love people-watching. “Cheryl! You look great! And, I’m the one with all the make-up on.”

Check, please!

When I meet a guy, I go through the following mental checklist:

  • Deal breaker (DB): Has kids. Acceptable (A): Married
  • DB: Shaves body. A: Shaves face
  • DB: Owns cat. A: Eats cat
  • DB: Funnier than me. A: Laughs at all my jokes
  • DB: College dropout. A: College age
  • DB: Doesn’t vote. A: Voted most likely to model for GQ
  • DB: Can’t balance a checkbook. A: Gives me control of checkbook
  • DB: Has never traveled internationally (Canada and Mexico don’t count. Neither does Hawaii.). A: Cooks internationally
  • DB: Wanted. A: Discarded
  • DB: Pre-historic. A: Historian
  • DB: Drug user. A: Pharmacist
  • DB: Senseless. A: Sensual
  • DB: Leaves toilet seat up. A: Lid down
  • DB: Overweight. A: Will wait for me
  • DB: Criminal record. A: Olympic record

Once bitten, not shy

When I was door knocking, a woman barely let me introduce myself. Just when she was about to slam the door in my face, her great Pyrenees dog (120+ pounds) bolted out and wrapped his jaws around the right side of my rib cage. Then the woman asked, “Who do I make the check out to?”

Jesus Saves Airway

On my last trip, I was behind a young teenage boy as we were walking down the jet bridge. Right before entering the plane, he stopped and made the sign of the cross. I wondered what he knew that I didn’t. I wanted to make a run for it, but I boarded anyway. To be safe, first I made the God Damn Independent denomination sign of the crossed fingers.

Ah, the raunchy days

Speaking of bans, let’s ban all the people who made it so that comedy writers and performers “can’t say that anymore” and deport them to a time when they laughed alongside of us, rather than pretend to be ultra-caring. Compassion is not saying, “That’s offensive!” Compassion is an action.

Time’s up?!

People proudly display data from wristbands that track exercise volume. I would be much more interested in data that depicts how much time one has to live, adjusted daily for lifestyle habits, and how would it affect one’s choices and declaration to live life to the fullest.

New book

My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant is now in the San Luis Obispo County Library system. It’s still being processed. You can visit this website to check when the book is available for checkout.


I’m not shy about sharing the details of my driver’s license:

  • Sex: Yes, please!
  • Height: 5’4″ AND A HALF
  • Weight: 120 pounds (I’m the only person who lies by ADDING 5 pounds)
  • Hair: None of your business
  • Eyes: Navy blue
  • Donor (wanted): Sperm
  • Body: 12-year-old boy

Stretching the truth

Anatomists say that if you stretch and lay out the small and large intestines, those will cover the space of a soccer stadium; or was it a foosball table? I always get that confused.

Here I am with Templeton (California) Fire Chief White after I donated a case of The Every Excuse in the Book Book.

Book signing

I will have a book signing for my new book, My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant. May 19, 2018, 11 a.m.-1 p.m. Barnes & Noble, San Luis Obispo, California. Free to attend. Book will be for sale. $14.95 + tax. Contact me for more information.

If I were a rich man

I saw Amish of all ages running through an airport. I was so impressed with how fit and light-footed they looked. They were fast, too. Then I realized that they weren’t Amish; they were Hasidic Jews . . . being chased by Arabs.

I took this photo on Great Keppel Island, Great Barrier Reef, Australia (1992). I was following the bird and talking to it, so that I could have the perfect shot. “OK. Right there. No, stop. OK. Good. No wait. Don’t turn around. The camera loves you. Perfect. Thank you.”

Population control

If I were ever to venture to a country like Afghanistan, I wouldn’t worry about stepping on an IUD and having it go off, because then I couldn’t get pregnant.

Driving down the cost

Car insurance premiums are based on how many accidents and tickets you’ve had, but they should be based on how many times you weren’t caught. “Did you run three red lights, today, and not get caught? Good job. Here’s a discount. Did you rear-end someone, and the driver didn’t ask for your insurance card? Here’s a discount. Did you drive the wrong way down a one-way street and make all of the other cars turn around? Here’s a discount.” And, what about the student discount? “Did you make it all the way through high school and earned your diploma, but you still don’t know how to read? Here’s a discount. Did you cheat on the DMV vision test by memorizing all of the letters before closing one eye? Here’s a discount.”

Rolling eyes

I heard a young registered dietitian tell a man in a wheelchair that he needs to keep track of how much he walks every day. Sorry, Folks. I don’t offer nutrition counseling anymore. You’ll have to learn from her.

Book worm hole

Some people think out loud when they’re deciding whether or not to buy one of my books. Whatever they say that they will do with the book, I agree (as a closing tactic).
“I’m a personal trainer. I would use it as a teaching tool.”
“Good idea,” I say.
“If I bought the book I would flush it down the toilet.”
“Good idea. It’s a clog buster.”
“If I bought the book I would take it to a book burning.”
“Good idea. You have to stay warm.”
“If I bought the book it would just sit on a shelf and collect dust.”
“Good idea. Maria has to have something to clean.”

New book!

My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant (Stinky Ghost Cat Books, $14.95), a book I co-wrote with Carole Breton last year, is now available! During her final year of life with Lou Gehrig’s disease, Carole Breton recounts living each day fully and adventurously while honoring her life purpose as a messenger. Read Antiperspirant to learn about Lou Gehrig’s disease and the disease’s association to military service, to be inspired to write your own story, to live vicariously through Carole’s past, or to just have a good laugh. The bad news is that Carole died Feb. 15, 2018. The good news is that she lived to see her story come to life. She was very happy with how her book turned out. Visit to read excerpts and to order a copy.

26th Anniversary

Today is my 26th anniversary in business. Who knew that my human health and fitness services would morph to dog massage? Who knew that I would go from writing health and fitness books to autobiographies? I spent all of last year co-writing autobiographies for two people. We finished writing the books in December. One book is in the first stage of editing, and the other should be available in a week. Also, The Every Excuse in the Book Book is in its second printing. Stay tuned and thank you for being my fans.

Improv Performance

I will perform at an improv show Thursday, February 15, at 7 p.m. Come watch a hilarious show. $5. Lasts about 90 minutes. Underground Brewing Company, 1040 Broad St., San Luis Obispo, CA.

New book

True story. I’m almost done writing another book. In 1979, two probation officers escorted six teenage boys into a federal prison to participate in Scared Straight. Not only were the boys subjected to the predicted yelling but also they were forced to fully strip and were molested by several inmates for more than an hour. I’m honored to be entrusted with this story and hope that it will yield justice and peace for the boys. Also, I am hoping that the book’s publicity will bring forward four of the boys whose identities I haven’t learned, yet.

Rotary newsletter

rotary 2014 newslVery nice article written about me in Paso Robles Rotary’s newsletter after I presented It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days: A customer service manual for businesses.