Speaking of bans, let’s ban all the people who made it so that comedy writers and performers “can’t say that anymore” and deport them to a time when they laughed alongside of us, rather than pretend to be ultra-caring. Compassion is not saying, “That’s offensive!” Compassion is an action.
People proudly display data from wristbands that track exercise volume. I would be much more interested in data that depicts how much time one has to live, adjusted daily for lifestyle habits, and how would it affect one’s choices and declaration to live life to the fullest.
If ice hockey is white man’s basketball, then water polo is black man’s . . . drowning?
I’m not shy about sharing the details of my driver’s license:
- Sex: Yes, please!
- Height: 5’4″ AND A HALF
- Weight: 120 pounds (I’m the only person who lies by ADDING 5 pounds)
- Hair: None of your business
- Eyes: Navy blue
- Donor (wanted): Sperm
- Body: 12-year-old boy
Anatomists say that if you stretch and lay out the small and large intestines, those will cover the space of a soccer stadium; or was it a foosball table? I always get that confused.
When I was door knocking at Christmas time, I saw a sign on a front door: “UPS. Put packages behind the tree or flower pot. We’ve had a theft.”
As a comedian I practice the rhythm method. I rehearse only certain days of the month.
There is an inverse relationship between how often an actor is in the headlines and one’s acting skill.
I saw Amish of all ages running through an airport. I was so impressed with how fit and light-footed they looked. They were fast, too. Then I realized that they weren’t Amish; they were Hasidic Jews . . . being chased by Arabs.
On a clearance rack of exercise clothes, the only sizes left were XL and XXL.
I edit notes on public restroom walls. For example, “Call me if your bored.” I change your to you’re.
I saw a woman hitchhiking on the North bound side of 101 holding a sign that said, “North.” Her sign was both vague and overstated.
If I were ever to venture to a country like Afghanistan, I wouldn’t worry about stepping on an IUD and having it go off, because then I couldn’t get pregnant.
I put a wet glass on a stump where an arborist was counting tree rings.
After a Mormon woman’s husband dies, does she inherit the other wives?
Car insurance premiums are based on how many accidents and tickets you’ve had, but they should be based on how many times you weren’t caught. “Did you run three red lights, today, and not get caught? Good job. Here’s a discount. Did you rear-end someone, and the driver didn’t ask for your insurance card? Here’s a discount. Did you drive the wrong way down a one-way street and make all of the other cars turn around? Here’s a discount.” And, what about the student discount? “Did you make it all the way through high school and earned your diploma, but you still don’t know how to read? Here’s a discount. Did you cheat on the DMV vision test by memorizing all of the letters before closing one eye? Here’s a discount.”
I heard a young registered dietitian tell a man in a wheelchair that he needs to keep track of how much he walks every day. Sorry, Folks. I don’t offer nutrition counseling anymore. You’ll have to learn from her.
Some people think out loud when they’re deciding whether or not to buy one of my books. Whatever they say that they will do with the book, I agree (as a closing tactic).
“I’m a personal trainer. I would use it as a teaching tool.”
“Good idea,” I say.
“If I bought the book I would flush it down the toilet.”
“Good idea. It’s a clog buster.”
“If I bought the book I would take it to a book burning.”
“Good idea. You have to stay warm.”
“If I bought the book it would just sit on a shelf and collect dust.”
“Good idea. Maria has to have something to clean.”
Men should come with a rewards card, so that after we break up I can get a percentage of my life back.
I’ve been told that I’m racist and offensive, but only by a minority of people.
Jerry Seinfeld once said that he made a point to test a joke four times before he would use it. That’s because it took four times for Larry David to convince Jerry that Larry wrote it.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the men I cannot change, courage to change the men I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Last night was the last time I will ever go to a vegan’s house for a “fancy” dinner! Their idea of a 10-course meal is a head of lettuce.
“I’m going to be driving cross-country with a cat that is not used to car rides. I might have to—”
Through the decades, men establish a woman’s availability differently depending on age. In their 20s: “Are you single?” 50s: “Are you divorced?” 70s: “Are you widowed?”
The Every Excuse in the Book Book has been updated. One of the changes I made, per the request of many, was to enlarge the font size. Written in 1995–timelessly–and published in 2005, thousands of copies have already been sold. Now schools are using Excuses to reinforce positive behavior and as a teaching tool to help children convert excuses–I Can’t–into I Can! Click here to read excerpts and to order a copy.
My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant (Stinky Ghost Cat Books, $14.95), a book I co-wrote with Carole Breton last year, is now available! During her final year of life with Lou Gehrig’s disease, Carole Breton recounts living each day fully and adventurously while honoring her life purpose as a messenger. Read Antiperspirant to learn about Lou Gehrig’s disease and the disease’s association to military service, to be inspired to write your own story, to live vicariously through Carole’s past, or to just have a good laugh. The bad news is that Carole died Feb. 15, 2018. The good news is that she lived to see her story come to life. She was very happy with how her book turned out. Visit http://jeannemurdock.com/antiperspirant/ to read excerpts and to order a copy.
My improv performance from 2/15/18 went great. Visit my YouTube channel, beanners1 to watch video from the fun night. We had a great turnout. Thanks to all who came to watch and to my fellow “players.”
What if people were reincarnated to a religion they hate? An ISIS member might come back as an American Catholic priest. Then he’d have to blow himself up twice.
Today is my 26th anniversary in business. Who knew that my human health and fitness services would morph to dog massage? Who knew that I would go from writing health and fitness books to autobiographies? I spent all of last year co-writing autobiographies for two people. We finished writing the books in December. One book is in the first stage of editing, and the other should be available in a week. Also, The Every Excuse in the Book Book is in its second printing. Stay tuned and thank you for being my fans.
I will perform at an improv show Thursday, February 15, at 7 p.m. Come watch a hilarious show. $5. Lasts about 90 minutes. Underground Brewing Company, 1040 Broad St., San Luis Obispo, CA.
True story. I’m almost done writing another book. In 1979, two probation officers escorted six teenage boys into a federal prison to participate in Scared Straight. Not only were the boys subjected to the predicted yelling but also they were forced to fully strip and were molested by several inmates for more than an hour. I’m honored to be entrusted with this story and hope that it will yield justice and peace for the boys. Also, I am hoping that the book’s publicity will bring forward four of the boys whose identities I haven’t learned, yet.
New retailer. Thank you EarthTones in Paso Robles for carrying The Every Excuse in the Book Book, Successful Dating at Last! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days. Check out their cool goods and even cooler services like massage.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.