I’ve lost so much hair that my part has tributaries.
If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?
A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.
Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!
My health insurance company doesn’t take doctors.
From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.
Since cupid failed at finding me the right guy, I took matters into my own hands. Photo credit: Bailey Clark, Central Coast Archery.
I played a practical joke on a restaurant when I ordered take-out. After I provided their address as my location, the worker said, “That’s our address.” I said, “I know. I’m in your parking lot.” The delivery guy played along and drove his car one aisle over to my car.
My next target market is going to be adults who are developmentally disabled. I like that they find me so interesting.
The cemetery in Paso Robles is offering headstones made out of old wine barrels.
Today I’m observing my business’s 27th anniversary. I’ve always said that a lot can be done with a physical education degree, but I didn’t know that it would amount to comedy and biography writing. I’m starting my third year of writing people’s life stories and creating books for my clients. I’m still taking new clients. And for the last four months I’ve been writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. Thank you for your business or for just being a fan. Today I celebrated my special day by snow shoeing, for my first time, in Shaver Lake, CA.
The back of a candy package states: “Background orange is a registered trademark.” Fascinating. I’m going to register my off-color humor.
A cat hired me to write its whole life story. The book will be called Nine Lives Matter. The cat dies in the end. Oops. I gave it away.
Love thy neighbor . . . if he’s the same religion.
Obesity is so common in children that parents no longer say, “This is Jimmy. He’s shy.” They say, “This is Jimmy. He’s a B cup.”
A deli has a new sandwich called the Miami Cuban. Soon they’ll offer the New York Jew, California Liberal, German Brat—a club sandwich.
I had a mammogram today. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the diagnostic center was running a special: smaller than an A cup—free! The technician found a lump. It was my breast.
California Assembly Bill No. 216 passed, which means that absentee ballots will now come with an envelope with prepaid postage. I guess legislators follow my comedy career. I talked about that during this performance.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1b40E7PoAs&list=FLqDnWaF00Cpyngks6a41BoA&index=15
I’m writing a healthy cookbook of dessert recipes using unsweetened sugar.
My idea of a polar bear plunge is a big white guy diving into my bed.
Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.
The United States’ national mascot is the border patrol agent.
Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate.
I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.
Paso Robles should plant coca and experiment with cocaine production. Locals and tourists could go farm to farm cocaine sampling. Customers could pair cocaine with different types of razor blades and mirrors. Why not? Cocaine is safer than alcohol. In the meantime, I will go to Georgia for peanut butter sampling. I’m going to bring a sterling silver knife to spread peanut butter on artisan crackers. I will pair peanut butter with chocolate, pretzels, and bread, and brag about what flavors I sense in the peanut butter. I will attend competitions and marvel at hand-painted peanut butter jar labels.
Breastfeeding women should be out of sight and locked in a dungeon.
If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.
If watching reality TV can kill brain cells, then maybe it can kill cancer cells.
There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?
I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.
As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.
The Author Showcase went great. Here I am at my table. Click here to watch video of my presentation.
I will be one of the authors presenting at this Author Showcase. Come check it out. Free! I will present on how to create a demand for your book. Here is the Local Author Showcase Presentation Schedule.
Barnes & Noble in Spokane Valley, Washington, will have two of my books on their shelves in about two weeks. The store ordered That’s a Bunch of Quackery! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days. My other books may be ordered.
Store info.: 15310 E. Indiana Ave., 509-922-4104
Thursday, September 6, 2018, I will present My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant to a Rotary group in Paso Robles, CA. This meeting is open only to Rotary members. If you are a member, please come. I’d love for you to be there. I’ll have copies for sale: $20 each. I co-authored this book–Carole Breton’s autobiography.
Here is a transcript of what happened onstage at ImprovAcadia.
I was called up onstage and asked questions about my relationship. I don’t know what the game was supposed to be, but the host assumed I would tell the truth. I planned on telling the truth, but what the hell. I’m a comedy writer who loves improv.
“Hi, What’s your name?” the host asked.
“Jeanne,” I said.
“How long have you been in a relationship?”
“Are you married or . . . ?”
“Where is your husband now?”
“How long has he been prison?”
“Then how did you meet him?”
“I saw him on TV and felt sorry for him, so I started writing him letters.”
“What did he do?”
“He embezzled money from his company. That’s why I can see him on weekends.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a writer.”
“What’s the title of one of your books?”
“The Every Excuse in the Book Book.”
“Where is your husband in prison?”
“Alcatraz?! It has been closed for decades.”
“It was re-opened just for him. He can’t swim.”
At this point the host knew I was pulling her leg and asked me to go back to my seat. The players moved onto the next game.
Here I am with Jen Shepard (right) at ImprovAcadia in Bar Harbor, Maine (8/13/18). ImprovAcadia is a troupe of seasoned performers who are accompanied by a talented keyboardist. This was the best improv show I’ve ever seen. Of course, I volunteered to go up on stage, but I didn’t let on that I’m a comedy writer. I had so much fun! No video, sorry.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.