I still teach everywhere I go–even to statues. (Cooper Institute, Dallas, TX, May 2019)
I finished writing my first screenplay and uploaded it to the copyright office. Now I am sending it out for sale, looking for an agent or directly a producer. The screenplay is a comedy movie called Flight Pattern.
ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”
I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.
I don’t worry about my truck being towed. I think of it as valet parking.
What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.
Land of the Free.
For the Illegals.
Some people live by the credo: Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep. Repeat. The Irish live by: Get drunk. Pass out. Drool. Repeat.
Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.
If I ever play myself in a made-for-TV movie I’m sure I will win an Emmy for best actress.
I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.
Darn! I was going to buy this blouse to wear to bed, on a plane, and to a bonfire.
I saw a commercial where the spokesman for a hospital said, “We surveyed our emergency room patients and found that 98% of them would use our facility again.” The other 2% died waiting to be seen.
Just when I think that I’ve dumped all of my emotional baggage, a carry-on lands on my head. And then there’s the make-up bag—the one that paints the facade that I am well-adjusted.
After I collected my change from my pre-paid gas, I found that the cashier short-changed me a few cents. I told him, and he gave me the rest that was due. Sure that he did this on purpose, I counted my change carefully the second time I was there. Same thing happened. When he was collecting my change the third time I was there, I said, “Don’t short-change me on purpose again.” A big smile swept across his face. Busted! The cashier was not embarrassed at all. He loved that I caught him. The business must be making a nice profit short-changing people, who don’t count their money.
In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.
I had DNA testing done on my dog. I was sure that he was pure bred; he’s not. But, he is related to Abe Lincoln.
Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?
I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”
I need to hurry up and go back to wearing a bra, so that people don’t think I voted for Hillary.
Friday night I finished writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. I’ll spend the next two weeks editing it and then I’ll upload it to the copyright office. After I receive my copyright certificate I will send out the screenplay for sale. At that time I will be able to talk about the story.
I saw a beef jerky brand marketed as an ergogenic aid. What?! Gross! My go-to ergogenic aid is sex, though for men it’s a sleep aid.
Some people have a bucket list. I have a kick the bucket list. What I am going to do when my uncle dies and I receive the inheritance.
Some people keep wine in a cellar. I keep men. 1990 was a good year. I have two of those. I even have one from 1986 for an extra special occasion. Extra special. Of course I have a few from 2002. They need to age a little longer. When friends come over I take them down there to see what I have. One year I decorated it for Halloween. There were a lot of skeletons and ghosts. I keep each one lying down, so that his bobber stays moist. I would take a date down there, but that would be awkward. I wouldn’t want him to think they’re all for me—that I have an addiction. I donate here and there for fundraisers, but never for events relating to children. That would be giving the wrong message.
When I was door knocking, a man accused me of being a burglar and then called the police. What was I stealing? A book from each house? I read everything the library has!
I asked a store worker if she sold orange juice. She said, “Yes. It’s that brand that comes from Florida.”
If this news page doesn’t take off, I can always try writing comedy.
In the judicial system, people are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In the entertainment industry: Turn a blind eye until a celebrity is accused and then presume guilt before he can negatively affect your net worth.
Today I’m observing my business’s 27th anniversary. I’ve always said that a lot can be done with a physical education degree, but I didn’t know that it would amount to comedy and biography writing. I’m starting my third year of writing people’s life stories and creating books for my clients. I’m still taking new clients. And for the last four months I’ve been writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. Thank you for your business or for just being a fan. Today I celebrated my special day by snow shoeing, for my first time, in Shaver Lake, CA.
Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate.
The Author Showcase went great. Here I am at my table. Click here to watch video of my presentation.
I will be one of the authors presenting at this Author Showcase. Come check it out. Free! I will present on how to create a demand for your book. Here is the Local Author Showcase Presentation Schedule.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.