Author Archives: jeanne

New book

True story. I’m almost done writing another book. In 1979, two probation officers escorted six teenage boys into a federal prison to participate in Scared Straight. Not only were the boys subjected to the predicted yelling but also they were forced to fully strip and were molested by several inmates for more than an hour. I’m honored to be entrusted with this story and hope that it will yield justice and peace for the boys. Also, I am hoping that the book’s publicity will bring forward four of the boys whose identities I haven’t learned, yet.

New retailer

New retailer. Thank you EarthTones in Paso Robles for carrying The Every Excuse in the Book Book, Successful Dating at Last! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help Thee Days. Check out their cool goods and even cooler services like massage.

Gluten-free plate made out of wheat straw. So, I can eat off of the plate, but not eat the plate?

Malignant speech

I’m so tired of grocery store cashiers asking me if I want to round up for breast cancer.  I say, “No, but I’d be willing to round down.” How we think, speak, and feel affects our health. They should ask, “Would you like to round up for longevity, independent living, vim and vigor?” Since there is a strong connection between obesity and breast cancer, they should ask, “Would you like to slim down to prevent breast cancer? Would you like to buy more fruit and vegetables to prevent cancer? Would you like to walk to the store to prevent breast cancer?”

Bite me

When I visit Hawaii and walk through the Honolulu airport, I see welcome signs with my name on them. Damn mosquitoes.

They’re all relative

I have badass girlfriends. Two hiked up Kilimanjaro; I hiked up my skirt. One competed injured in the Olympic trials; I competed for the shortest line at the grocery store. Two battled cancer; I battled self-doubt. One graduated from college despite dyslexia; I graduated despite boy chasing.

For you horse lovers . . . I took this photo at Paso Robles Horse Park when I had a booth for horse massage.

April Fools! Those are big f_____ing horses. I’ll stick with massaging dogs, thank you. I did take this photo at PR Horse Park. It was my first time watching (& photographing) such an event. Really cool. Those young people are brave.

Fact is: If there are fewer than three cashiers, I will go to another store. (And, you need an editor.)

Young from the chest up

A few years ago, a photographer I consulted was commissioned for a pin-up shoot with me as the model. When I picked up our prints, the workers acted strangely and reluctant to hand over the photos. The manager said that she almost called the police. I couldn’t imagine why. The photos were beautiful, artful . . . and I was clothed. She said that the model looked underage. I said, “I’m the model and I’m 45 years old.” Photos in hand, I left the store beaming with high self-esteem. Then, I panicked. Did the manager judge my age by my bust line!?

Biphobic

I love men. If I were a guy I would definitely be gay. Instead, I’m a straight girl in a lesbian’s body. Does that make me transgender?

Can I get a twenty for my best scar yet . . . ?

Door knocking casualty. Who thought it was a good idea to build a retaining wall and not secure the top tiles? Who thought it was a good idea to do parkour in a dress while carrying books? I think I broke my thumb. Of course I kept going–Lamaze breathing and all–but I didn’t earn any sympathy twenties.

I had a fun time at my audition for America’s Got Talent, today. It went great! It was a fun experience. I am supposed to know within three weeks if (and when) I move on.

America’s Got Talent audition

A month ago, the casting director of America’s Got Talent discovered me, after she searched YouTube for a roller skating comedy act. Per her request, I submitted this video for her to pitch me to the executives who subsequently invited me for a private audition. I will be in L.A. February 11 to perform for them in person. I’ll keep you updated.

Rotary newsletter

rotary 2014 newslVery nice article written about me in Paso Robles Rotary’s newsletter after I presented It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days: A customer service manual for businesses.