Author Archives: jeanne

Technically a mutt

If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?

Shoulda worn a condom

A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.

Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!

Take a stand

From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.

Since cupid failed at finding me the right guy, I took matters into my own hands. Photo credit: Bailey Clark, Central Coast Archery.

Convenience

I played a practical joke on a restaurant when I ordered take-out.  After I provided their address as my location, the worker said, “That’s our address.”  I said, “I know.  I’m in your parking lot.”  The delivery guy played along and drove his car one aisle over to my car.

27th Anniversary

Today I’m observing my business’s 27th anniversary. I’ve always said that a lot can be done with a physical education degree, but I didn’t know that it would amount to comedy and biography writing. I’m starting my third year of writing people’s life stories and creating books for my clients. I’m still taking new clients. And for the last four months I’ve been writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. Thank you for your business or for just being a fan. Today I celebrated my special day by snow shoeing, for my first time, in Shaver Lake, CA.

Double negative

I had a mammogram today. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the diagnostic center was running a special: smaller than an A cup—free! The technician found a lump. It was my breast.

Disconnected

Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.

New excuses

Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate. 

Maybe robotics isn’t so advanced

I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“Your order.”
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“No.”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“Uh. Ten.”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“Oh, 911.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“What for?”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.

White rows

Paso Robles should plant coca and experiment with cocaine production. Locals and tourists could go farm to farm cocaine sampling. Customers could pair cocaine with different types of razor blades and mirrors. Why not? Cocaine is safer than alcohol. In the meantime, I will go to Georgia for peanut butter sampling. I’m going to bring a sterling silver knife to spread peanut butter on artisan crackers. I will pair peanut butter with chocolate, pretzels, and bread, and brag about what flavors I sense in the peanut butter. I will attend competitions and marvel at hand-painted peanut butter jar labels.

Superiority complex

If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.

T-r-a-n-s-a-t-h-l-e-t-i-c

There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?

I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.

Is there another word for oops?

As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.

New Retailer

Barnes & Noble in Spokane Valley, Washington, will have two of my books on their shelves in about two weeks. The store ordered That’s a Bunch of Quackery! and It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days. My other books may be ordered.
Store info.: 15310 E. Indiana Ave., 509-922-4104

Rotary presentation

Thursday, September 6, 2018, I will present My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant to a Rotary group in Paso Robles, CA. This meeting is open only to Rotary members. If you are a member, please come. I’d love for you to be there. I’ll have copies for sale: $20 each. I co-authored this book–Carole Breton’s autobiography.

ImprovAcadia transcript

Here is a transcript of what happened onstage at ImprovAcadia.
I was called up onstage and as
ked questions about my relationship. I don’t know what the game was supposed to be, but the host assumed I would tell the truth. I planned on telling the truth, but what the hell. I’m a comedy writer who loves improv.

“Hi, What’s your name?” the host asked.
“Jeanne,” I said.
“How long have you been in a relationship?”
“Two years.”
“Are you married or . . . ?”
“We’re married.”
“Where is your husband now?”
“Prison.”
“How long has he been prison?”
“Two years.”
“Then how did you meet him?”
“I saw him on TV and felt sorry for him, so I started writing him letters.”
“What did he do?”
“He embezzled money from his company. That’s why I can see him on weekends.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a writer.”
“Books?”
“Yes.”
“What genre?”
“Exercise.”
“What’s the title of one of your books?”
The Every Excuse in the Book Book.”
“Where is your husband in prison?”
“San Francisco.”
“Which prison?”
“Alcatraz.”
“Alcatraz?! It has been closed for decades.”
“It was re-opened just for him. He can’t swim.”

At this point the host knew I was pulling her leg and asked me to go back to my seat. The players moved onto the next game.

ImprovAcadia

Here I am with Jen Shepard (right) at ImprovAcadia in Bar Harbor, Maine (8/13/18). ImprovAcadia is a troupe of seasoned performers who are accompanied by a talented keyboardist. This was the best improv show I’ve ever seen. Of course, I volunteered to go up on stage, but I didn’t let on that I’m a comedy writer. I had so much fun! No video, sorry.Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, people standing and indoor

New book

My Guardian Angel Wears Antiperspirant is now in the San Luis Obispo County Library system. It’s still being processed. You can visit this website to check when the book is available for checkout.
http://www.blackgold.org/polaris/search/title.aspx?ctx=1.1033.0.0.1&pos=2

Rotary newsletter

rotary 2014 newslVery nice article written about me in Paso Robles Rotary’s newsletter after I presented It’s Hard to Find Good Help These Days: A customer service manual for businesses.