I heard two drunk guys in a bar comparing notes about being named Larry. They were validating one another’s ideas of the origin of their name—clearly making it up as they were going along. From what I heard, the true meaning of the name Larry is dumbass.
I was really sick recently. I caught the same virus as my computer. I was locked up for days. That’s what I get for clicking with someone who looks too good to be true.
When I was on a walk, I saw a man running in my direction with his left hand out. When he neared, I stopped and cupped his hand with my hands and placed his hand on my chest. I said, “Aah. Thank you for offering.” He said, “What are you doing? I was just waving.”
In my town the court house is across the street from DMV. So, a couple can get married and then walk across the street to drive each other crazy.
Two hundred of us filled San Luis Obispo Airport to give 23 veterans a welcome home from their Honor Flight. Here I am with one of them–Korean War veteran Ted Gilbert–one of my clients. I’m writing his life story, and boy does he have stories. I’m excited for the book to be published. Don’t let the wheelchair fool you. He still manages a ranch by himself.
Since pot was legalized, car air fresheners changed from the shape of a pine tree to the shape of a marijuana leaf.
I check out outdated and other misinforming exercise books from the library and then throw them out. I don’t mind paying the lost fee. It’s one of my philanthropic ways.
It makes more sense for me to have a round bed, since I run circles around men.
When I was door knocking, a man didn’t want to look at my exercise books. “I’m plugged in at the gym.” Like a Prius?
I had a long argument with a young (20 y.o.?) worker who wouldn’t give me a receipt. He finally admitted, “I don’t know how to write a receipt.” So, I told him what to write. He still seemed to struggle, though, and I was wondering what his problem was. Then I saw the receipt. He didn’t know how to write! So, public schools are no longer teaching cursive or printing?!
El Paso de Robles originally translated to Pass of the Oaks. With all the clear-cutting and planting of grape vines, El Paso de Robles now means Oaks are Passé.
I’ve been around Native Americans my whole life. As a child, I was nicknamed Runs with Scissors; offering personal fitness training in San Diego, I was Works for Jews; and now I am Laughs at Self.
Celebrities have kids, so that their offspring can carry on the famous names and have successful programs of their own like Celebrity Rehab.
An ugly, morbidly obese woman went missing. No one looked for her.
Here I am with fellow author Col. George Marrett, ret. USAF. Check out his books, including “Testing Death” and “Cheating Death.” I love that he writes with humor. Col. Marrett flew 188 combat missions on the Douglas A-1 Skyraider in Vietnam and tested more than forty types of military aircraft in twenty-five years as a test pilot for the Air Force and Hughes Aircraft Company.
This year the theme for Earth Day is Bee the Change. Next year it will be Tie Your Tubes.
At a grocery store I watched the customer ahead of me at the checkout stand. She divided her groceries into two transactions. After she paid cash for the first transaction, she shuffled the change with the other bills in her hand. Attempting a con, she told the cashier that she was owed $8, but only received three ones. While the cashier rang the second half of her groceries, he thought about the change carefully and said, “Oh, I do remember giving you $8 . . . but I also remember giving someone $4.”
I’ve lost so much hair that my part has tributaries.
If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?
A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.
Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!
My health insurance company doesn’t take doctors.
From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.
Since cupid failed at finding me the right guy, I took matters into my own hands. Photo credit: Bailey Clark, Central Coast Archery.
I played a practical joke on a restaurant when I ordered take-out. After I provided their address as my location, the worker said, “That’s our address.” I said, “I know. I’m in your parking lot.” The delivery guy played along and drove his car one aisle over to my car.
My next target market is going to be adults who are developmentally disabled. I like that they find me so interesting.
The cemetery in Paso Robles is offering headstones made out of old wine barrels.
Today I’m observing my business’s 27th anniversary. I’ve always said that a lot can be done with a physical education degree, but I didn’t know that it would amount to comedy and biography writing. I’m starting my third year of writing people’s life stories and creating books for my clients. I’m still taking new clients. And for the last four months I’ve been writing my first screenplay, a comedy movie. Thank you for your business or for just being a fan. Today I celebrated my special day by snow shoeing, for my first time, in Shaver Lake, CA.
The back of a candy package states: “Background orange is a registered trademark.” Fascinating. I’m going to register my off-color humor.
A cat hired me to write its whole life story. The book will be called Nine Lives Matter. The cat dies in the end. Oops. I gave it away.
Love thy neighbor . . . if he’s the same religion.
Happy New Year! “The Every Excuse in the Book Book” is in its second printing. Same great information. Bigger print. More ordering options. My first born was written more than 20 years ago and is still funny, relevant, and accurate.
The Author Showcase went great. Here I am at my table. Click here to watch video of my presentation.
I will be one of the authors presenting at this Author Showcase. Come check it out. Free! I will present on how to create a demand for your book. Here is the Local Author Showcase Presentation Schedule.
Paso Robles Daily News printed an article, yesterday, that I wrote about customer service and my new book. Read here.