I know I have a small chest when it takes only one hand to adjust my bra. You know you have a big chest when you have to use two hands to adjust your bra—and your hands are a foot apart.
Parents would have healthy kids if they spent as much time planning kids’ meals as they plan birthday parties.
I thought that I signed up for a dating website but it was a bank’s website. I was matched with debt.
A highly sensitive person, such as myself, has no business being in sales—especially door knocking. I get yelled at all the time. For example, a man whose daughter was a personal trainer told me that he wouldn’t buy just any book, only one that is a good investment. He didn’t buy a book.
I walked into a bank and asked for change for a fifty.
The teller asked, “Are you a customer here?”
“No,” I said.
“OK well I’ll do it just this one time. Normally I wouldn’t because this bill could be counterfeit and I want to protect our customers from fraud.”
“Ha! Your company committed major fraud against your customers.”
“It wasn’t that much fraud.”
A little bit of fraud is OK.
A division of my business is growing exponentially. I can’t keep up. Unfortunately, it’s the complaint department.
My favorite episode of The Brady Bunch was the one where Mr. Brady came out of the closet he designed.
I still teach everywhere I go–even to statues. (Cooper Institute, Dallas, TX, May 2019)
ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”
I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.
I don’t worry about my truck being towed. I think of it as valet parking.
What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.
Land of the Free.
For the Illegals.
Some people live by the credo: Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep. Repeat. The Irish live by: Get drunk. Pass out. Drool. Repeat.
Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.
If I ever play myself in a made-for-TV movie I’m sure I will win an Emmy for best actress.
I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.