Category Archives: On My Mind

Lift your spirits

I know I have a small chest when it takes only one hand to adjust my bra. You know you have a big chest when you have to use two hands to adjust your bra—and your hands are a foot apart.

Unsound decision

A highly sensitive person, such as myself, has no business being in sales—especially door knocking. I get yelled at all the time. For example, a man whose daughter was a personal trainer told me that he wouldn’t buy just any book, only one that is a good investment. He didn’t buy a book.

Held up

I walked into a bank and asked for change for a fifty.
The teller asked, “Are you a customer here?”
“No,” I said.
“OK well I’ll do it just this one time. Normally I wouldn’t because this bill could be counterfeit and I want to protect our customers from fraud.”
“Ha! Your company committed major fraud against your customers.”
“It wasn’t
that much fraud.”
A little bit of fraud is OK.

Next!

A division of my business is growing exponentially. I can’t keep up. Unfortunately, it’s the complaint department.

Gold meddlist

ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
5. Bathing
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
10. Dressing

Put it on ice

I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”

MIA NIH

I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.

Loaded invitation

What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.

Playing hard ball

Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.

Commandear

I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”  Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.