Category Archives: On My Mind

Disconnected

Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.

Maybe robotics isn’t so advanced

I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“Your order.”
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“No.”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“Uh. Ten.”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“Oh, 911.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“What for?”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.

Superiority complex

If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.

T-r-a-n-s-a-t-h-l-e-t-i-c

There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?

I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.

Is there another word for oops?

As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.

Postal code

Last time I hung my clothes out to dry a piece went missing. It was easy to identify the culprit. He delivered my mail wearing a red teddy.

Buyer be wear

I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.

Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html

Three Mile Island

I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.