In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.
I had DNA testing done on my dog. I was sure that he was pure bred; he’s not. But, he is related to Abe Lincoln.
Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?
I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”
I need to hurry up and go back to wearing a bra, so that people don’t think I voted for Hillary.
I saw a beef jerky brand marketed as an ergogenic aid. What?! Gross! My go-to ergogenic aid is sex, though for men it’s a sleep aid.
Some people have a bucket list. I have a kick the bucket list. What I am going to do when my uncle dies and I receive the inheritance.
Some people keep wine in a cellar. I keep men. 1990 was a good year. I have two of those. I even have one from 1986 for an extra special occasion. Extra special. Of course I have a few from 2002. They need to age a little longer. When friends come over I take them down there to see what I have. One year I decorated it for Halloween. There were a lot of skeletons and ghosts. I keep each one lying down, so that his bobber stays moist. I would take a date down there, but that would be awkward. I wouldn’t want him to think they’re all for me—that I have an addiction. I donate here and there for fundraisers, but never for events relating to children. That would be giving the wrong message.
When I was door knocking, a man accused me of being a burglar and then called the police. What was I stealing? A book from each house? I read everything the library has!
I asked a store worker if she sold orange juice. She said, “Yes. It’s that brand that comes from Florida.”
In the judicial system, people are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In the entertainment industry: Turn a blind eye until a celebrity is accused and then presume guilt before he can negatively affect your net worth.
On the corner of Fat and Tired there was a Slender Lady gym. Now there’s a Gained-it-all-back gym.
I heard two drunk guys in a bar comparing notes about being named Larry. They were validating one another’s ideas of the origin of their name—clearly making it up as they were going along. From what I heard, the true meaning of the name Larry is dumbass.
I was really sick recently. I caught the same virus as my computer. I was locked up for days. That’s what I get for clicking with someone who looks too good to be true.
When I was on a walk, I saw a man running in my direction with his left hand out. When he neared, I stopped and cupped his hand with my hands and placed his hand on my chest. I said, “Aah. Thank you for offering.” He said, “What are you doing? I was just waving.”
In my town the court house is across the street from DMV. So, a couple can get married and then walk across the street to drive each other crazy.
Two hundred of us filled San Luis Obispo Airport to give 23 veterans a welcome home from their Honor Flight. Here I am with one of them–Korean War veteran Ted Gilbert–one of my clients. I’m writing his life story, and boy does he have stories. I’m excited for the book to be published. Don’t let the wheelchair fool you. He still manages a ranch by himself.
Since pot was legalized, car air fresheners changed from the shape of a pine tree to the shape of a marijuana leaf.
I check out outdated and other misinforming exercise books from the library and then throw them out. I don’t mind paying the lost fee. It’s one of my philanthropic ways.
It makes more sense for me to have a round bed, since I run circles around men.
When I was door knocking, a man didn’t want to look at my exercise books. “I’m plugged in at the gym.” Like a Prius?
I had a long argument with a young (20 y.o.?) worker who wouldn’t give me a receipt. He finally admitted, “I don’t know how to write a receipt.” So, I told him what to write. He still seemed to struggle, though, and I was wondering what his problem was. Then I saw the receipt. He didn’t know how to write! So, public schools are no longer teaching cursive or printing?!
El Paso de Robles originally translated to Pass of the Oaks. With all the clear-cutting and planting of grape vines, El Paso de Robles now means Oaks are Passé.
I’ve been around Native Americans my whole life. As a child, I was nicknamed Runs with Scissors; offering personal fitness training in San Diego, I was Works for Jews; and now I am Laughs at Self.
Celebrities have kids, so that their offspring can carry on the famous names and have successful programs of their own like Celebrity Rehab.
An ugly, morbidly obese woman went missing. No one looked for her.
Here I am with fellow author Col. George Marrett, ret. USAF. Check out his books, including “Testing Death” and “Cheating Death.” I love that he writes with humor. Col. Marrett flew 188 combat missions on the Douglas A-1 Skyraider in Vietnam and tested more than forty types of military aircraft in twenty-five years as a test pilot for the Air Force and Hughes Aircraft Company.
This year the theme for Earth Day is Bee the Change. Next year it will be Tie Your Tubes.
At a grocery store I watched the customer ahead of me at the checkout stand. She divided her groceries into two transactions. After she paid cash for the first transaction, she shuffled the change with the other bills in her hand. Attempting a con, she told the cashier that she was owed $8, but only received three ones. While the cashier rang the second half of her groceries, he thought about the change carefully and said, “Oh, I do remember giving you $8 . . . but I also remember giving someone $4.”
I’ve lost so much hair that my part has tributaries.
If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?
A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.
Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!
My health insurance company doesn’t take doctors.
From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.