Category Archives: On My Mind

Technically a mutt

If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?

Shoulda worn a condom

A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.

Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!

Take a stand

From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.

Since cupid failed at finding me the right guy, I took matters into my own hands. Photo credit: Bailey Clark, Central Coast Archery.

Convenience

I played a practical joke on a restaurant when I ordered take-out.  After I provided their address as my location, the worker said, “That’s our address.”  I said, “I know.  I’m in your parking lot.”  The delivery guy played along and drove his car one aisle over to my car.

Double negative

I had a mammogram today. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the diagnostic center was running a special: smaller than an A cup—free! The technician found a lump. It was my breast.

Disconnected

Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.

Maybe robotics isn’t so advanced

I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“Your order.”
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“No.”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“Uh. Ten.”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“Oh, 911.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“What for?”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.

White rows

Paso Robles should plant coca and experiment with cocaine production. Locals and tourists could go farm to farm cocaine sampling. Customers could pair cocaine with different types of razor blades and mirrors. Why not? Cocaine is safer than alcohol. In the meantime, I will go to Georgia for peanut butter sampling. I’m going to bring a sterling silver knife to spread peanut butter on artisan crackers. I will pair peanut butter with chocolate, pretzels, and bread, and brag about what flavors I sense in the peanut butter. I will attend competitions and marvel at hand-painted peanut butter jar labels.

Superiority complex

If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.

T-r-a-n-s-a-t-h-l-e-t-i-c

There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?

I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.

Is there another word for oops?

As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.