I still teach everywhere I go–even to statues. (Cooper Institute, Dallas, TX, May 2019)
ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”
I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.
I don’t worry about my truck being towed. I think of it as valet parking.
What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.
Land of the Free.
For the Illegals.
Some people live by the credo: Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep. Repeat. The Irish live by: Get drunk. Pass out. Drool. Repeat.
Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.
If I ever play myself in a made-for-TV movie I’m sure I will win an Emmy for best actress.
I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.
Darn! I was going to buy this blouse to wear to bed, on a plane, and to a bonfire.
I saw a commercial where the spokesman for a hospital said, “We surveyed our emergency room patients and found that 98% of them would use our facility again.” The other 2% died waiting to be seen.
Just when I think that I’ve dumped all of my emotional baggage, a carry-on lands on my head. And then there’s the make-up bag—the one that paints the facade that I am well-adjusted.
After I collected my change from my pre-paid gas, I found that the cashier short-changed me a few cents. I told him, and he gave me the rest that was due. Sure that he did this on purpose, I counted my change carefully the second time I was there. Same thing happened. When he was collecting my change the third time I was there, I said, “Don’t short-change me on purpose again.” A big smile swept across his face. Busted! The cashier was not embarrassed at all. He loved that I caught him. The business must be making a nice profit short-changing people, who don’t count their money.
In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.
I had DNA testing done on my dog. I was sure that he was pure bred; he’s not. But, he is related to Abe Lincoln.
Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?
I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”
I need to hurry up and go back to wearing a bra, so that people don’t think I voted for Hillary.
I saw a beef jerky brand marketed as an ergogenic aid. What?! Gross! My go-to ergogenic aid is sex, though for men it’s a sleep aid.
Some people have a bucket list. I have a kick the bucket list. What I am going to do when my uncle dies and I receive the inheritance.
Some people keep wine in a cellar. I keep men. 1990 was a good year. I have two of those. I even have one from 1986 for an extra special occasion. Extra special. Of course I have a few from 2002. They need to age a little longer. When friends come over I take them down there to see what I have. One year I decorated it for Halloween. There were a lot of skeletons and ghosts. I keep each one lying down, so that his bobber stays moist. I would take a date down there, but that would be awkward. I wouldn’t want him to think they’re all for me—that I have an addiction. I donate here and there for fundraisers, but never for events relating to children. That would be giving the wrong message.
When I was door knocking, a man accused me of being a burglar and then called the police. What was I stealing? A book from each house? I read everything the library has!
I asked a store worker if she sold orange juice. She said, “Yes. It’s that brand that comes from Florida.”
If this news page doesn’t take off, I can always try writing comedy.
In the judicial system, people are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In the entertainment industry: Turn a blind eye until a celebrity is accused and then presume guilt before he can negatively affect your net worth.