I’m writing a healthy cookbook of dessert recipes using unsweetened sugar.
My idea of a polar bear plunge is a big white guy diving into my bed.
Each door knocking outing, I encounter the whole spectrum of congeniality. At one end of the spectrum, a man pretended to be on the phone (lying is for cowards) while his wife yelled at me (there’s a perfect match); at the other end of the spectrum, a little girl gave me a flower.
The United States’ national mascot is the border patrol agent.
I walk into a restaurant to order take-out. A waitress walks up to me at the cash register.
“That’ll be $22,” she announced.
“What will be?” I asked.
“I haven’t ordered, yet.”
“Oh, you’re not Sheila?”
“Oh, OK. Can I get a number?”
“No, I mean a phone number.”
“No, I mean your phone number.”
“So I can call you when your order’s done.”
“I’ll be standing right here.” . . . and so continues the art of inefficiency.
Breastfeeding women should be out of sight and locked in a dungeon.
If it’s acceptable for me to tell self-deprecating jokes, then it should be OK for me to tell self-righteous jokes, but there isn’t anything funny about being perfect.
If watching reality TV can kill brain cells, then maybe it can kill cancer cells.
There should be more genders than there are letters in the alphabet. In fact, there should be a gender for each person. I’ll start. I’m good at sports and I date men only. I’m transathletic. What are you and why?
I was about to steal items from a store and saw this sign at the back door. It changed my mind. Phew. Good thing the sign was there.
As I was opening a Christmas present a client gave me, she said, “It’s something you really really need. You’ll use it a lot—every day. I shouted, “Why does everybody think I need a vibrator?!” It turned out to be a thesaurus.
Which is the bigger thief? The bank robber or the bank?
Last time I hung my clothes out to dry a piece went missing. It was easy to identify the culprit. He delivered my mail wearing a red teddy.
I received my AARP membership packet, which included a rape whistle.
It doesn’t bother me that I’m not married. I’d rather die an old maid than made old.
Bernie Madoff has a framed dollar bill with the caption: first dollar swindled.
Nanogreens is named such because its effect on your health is infinitesimal.
I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.
Happy Halloween! At an airport I saw a gate agent wearing a nurse costume. I loved it. All gate and ticket agents should dress as nurses. She was patient and nice.
With my last therapist there was a role reversal. She was the one lying on the couch. And she just lay there. Her name was Jane Doe.
I saw a lady who bought The Every Excuse in the Book Book a few months ago. She said, “I love it. I keep it in my bathroom. I just have two pages left.” I don’t want to know what happened to the other 294 pages.
I don’t mind living paycheck to paycheck. It’s better than living loan to loan.
Kanye West’s last name is an indication of which direction he should go with his music: out into the middle of the ocean where no one can hear it.
My biggest pet peeve: cat
Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html
A new body type, besides endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph, has been added: convex.
I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.