Car insurance premiums are based on how many accidents and tickets you’ve had, but they should be based on how many times you weren’t caught. “Did you run three red lights, today, and not get caught? Good job. Here’s a discount. Did you rear-end someone, and the driver didn’t ask for your insurance card? Here’s a discount. Did you drive the wrong way down a one-way street and make all of the other cars turn around? Here’s a discount.” And, what about the student discount? “Did you make it all the way through high school and earned your diploma, but you still don’t know how to read? Here’s a discount. Did you cheat on the DMV vision test by memorizing all of the letters before closing one eye? Here’s a discount.”
I heard a young registered dietitian tell a man in a wheelchair that he needs to keep track of how much he walks every day. Sorry, Folks. I don’t offer nutrition counseling anymore. You’ll have to learn from her.
Some people think out loud when they’re deciding whether or not to buy one of my books. Whatever they say that they will do with the book, I agree (as a closing tactic).
“I’m a personal trainer. I would use it as a teaching tool.”
“Good idea,” I say.
“If I bought the book I would flush it down the toilet.”
“Good idea. It’s a clog buster.”
“If I bought the book I would take it to a book burning.”
“Good idea. You have to stay warm.”
“If I bought the book it would just sit on a shelf and collect dust.”
“Good idea. Maria has to have something to clean.”
Men should come with a rewards card, so that after we break up I can get a percentage of my life back.
I’ve been told that I’m racist and offensive, but only by a minority of people.
Jerry Seinfeld once said that he made a point to test a joke four times before he would use it. That’s because it took four times for Larry David to convince Jerry that Larry wrote it.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the men I cannot change, courage to change the men I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Last night was the last time I will ever go to a vegan’s house for a “fancy” dinner! Their idea of a 10-course meal is a head of lettuce.
“I’m going to be driving cross-country with a cat that is not used to car rides. I might have to—”
Through the decades, men establish a woman’s availability differently depending on age. In their 20s: “Are you single?” 50s: “Are you divorced?” 70s: “Are you widowed?”
The Every Excuse in the Book Book has been updated. One of the changes I made, per the request of many, was to enlarge the font size. Written in 1995–timelessly–and published in 2005, thousands of copies have already been sold. Now schools are using Excuses to reinforce positive behavior and as a teaching tool to help children convert excuses–I Can’t–into I Can! Click here to read excerpts and to order a copy.
What if people were reincarnated to a religion they hate? An ISIS member might come back as an American Catholic priest. Then he’d have to blow himself up twice.
The saying measure twice cut once was coined by a contractor with a bad memory.
Obese people are divided into two anthropometric categories: apple shape and pear shape. Some people are the whole damn orchard.