Category Archives: On My Mind

I’ll have an order of comfort please

I used to think that a room’s thermostat should be set at the average desired temperature of the room’s occupants. I changed my mind. Only the eutrophic people should have a say. In other words, if you don’t take care of yourself well enough to be a healthy weight, then you shouldn’t have a say. If you have enough extra blubber to feed an Eskimo family for a week, then move to Alaska. Don’t make me endure 60 degrees when it’s 80 outside. Don’t make me put on a jacket, because you choose to drive from errand to errand . . . in the same block . . . before hitting the drive through. Don’t make my fingers turn blue, because you insist on eating everything on your plate—a plate that’s big enough to block out the sun.

Storm warning

I can only imagine how a GPS would function for a storm chaser. “Turn left in 500 feet to get the f— out of here. In one foot, turn the hell around. I said turn the hell around. There’s a tornado right in front of you, asshole. I’m sorry. I’m outta here. You’re on your own. Goodbye.”

The last single-gender restroom on Earth was barricaded, but I was determined to use it.

Open book

When I was setting up a new online account, I had to answer security questions in case I lost my username and password. These were the questions and my answers:

  • If money was no object, what would you do all day? Play God.
  • Where did you meet your significant other? GQ Magazine.
  • Where did your mother and your father meet? At the sperm bank.
  • What is the name of the city you got lost in once? Vatican City.
  • What is your father’s middle name? Dead.
  • What is your favorite city to visit? My own.
  • What is your favorite flower? Alive.
  • What subject should be taught in school that isn’t already? Comedy.
  • What time of day were you born? Swing shift.
  • What was the model of the second car you owned? Fabio.
  • If you could eat only one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Cooked.
  • What is your favorite book? That which I don’t have to read.
  • What is your mother’s favorite thing to do in her spare time? Haunt me.
  • What is your parent’s wedding anniversary? (White) Flag Day.
  • What nickname did your grandmother call you? “Huh?”
  • What song do you think you could have sung better than the professional singer? Any modern country song.
  • What was the first concert you attended? Sober?
  • What was the last name of your second grade teacher? Hotty. No that was fifth grade.
  • What was the name of your first boyfriend? Shawn Cassidy; he just didn’t know it.
  • What was your favorite childhood game? Screaming to get my way.
  • If you change any feature about yourself what would it be? Really? Have you seen me?
  • If you could have chosen a different career what would it be? Paid.
  • What is the name of your favorite beverage? A tall drink of water.
  • What is the name of your favorite cancelled TV show? America’s Got Talent.
  • What is your favorite board game to play with friends? Strip poker.
  • What was the name of your first college roommate? Ed. Oh, wait. That was the name of the first guy I slept with in college.
  • What was the name of the park closest to where you grew up? Parallel Park.
  • What was the name of the street you grew up on? No Way.
  • Where do you want to travel but probably will never go? Watts.
  • What is the name of your favorite historical figure? Mesomorph.

Self-ascribed

I coined a new term: Ipsigender. I’ll use it in a sentence: I am ipsigender. I am the same gender now as I was when I was born.

So this is where children separated from their parents at the Mexico border end up.

Not cool

I used to have such a cheap landlord. His idea of central air conditioning was a ceiling fan in the middle of the apartment.

No correte

Living in a farm town, lifeguards at the community pool aren’t kids home on summer break; they’re border patrol agents.

Don’t round up

Companies are mandating sensitivity training for their employees. That’s a waste of time. It would be better to teach employees how to guess age. I don’t want to be charged the senior rate!

Send in the clowns

When I die I want to have an open-casket funeral so that I can see all my friends walk by. I love people-watching. “Cheryl! You look great! And, I’m the one with all the make-up on.”

Check, please!

When I meet a guy, I go through the following mental checklist:

  • Deal breaker (DB): Has kids. Acceptable (A): Married
  • DB: Shaves body. A: Shaves face
  • DB: Owns cat. A: Eats cat
  • DB: Funnier than me. A: Laughs at all my jokes
  • DB: College dropout. A: College age
  • DB: Doesn’t vote. A: Voted most likely to model for GQ
  • DB: Can’t balance a checkbook. A: Gives me control of checkbook
  • DB: Has never traveled internationally (Canada and Mexico don’t count. Neither does Hawaii.). A: Cooks internationally
  • DB: Wanted. A: Discarded
  • DB: Pre-historic. A: Historian
  • DB: Drug user. A: Pharmacist
  • DB: Senseless. A: Sensual
  • DB: Leaves toilet seat up. A: Lid down
  • DB: Overweight. A: Will wait for me
  • DB: Criminal record. A: Olympic record

Once bitten, not shy

When I was door knocking, a woman barely let me introduce myself. Just when she was about to slam the door in my face, her great Pyrenees dog (120+ pounds) bolted out and wrapped his jaws around the right side of my rib cage. Then the woman asked, “Who do I make the check out to?”

Jesus Saves Airway

On my last trip, I was behind a young teenage boy as we were walking down the jet bridge. Right before entering the plane, he stopped and made the sign of the cross. I wondered what he knew that I didn’t. I wanted to make a run for it, but I boarded anyway. To be safe, first I made the God Damn Independent denomination sign of the crossed fingers.

Ah, the raunchy days

Speaking of bans, let’s ban all the people who made it so that comedy writers and performers “can’t say that anymore” and deport them to a time when they laughed alongside of us, rather than pretend to be ultra-caring. Compassion is not saying, “That’s offensive!” Compassion is an action.

Time’s up?!

People proudly display data from wristbands that track exercise volume. I would be much more interested in data that depicts how much time one has to live, adjusted daily for lifestyle habits, and how would it affect one’s choices and declaration to live life to the fullest.

CDL

I’m not shy about sharing the details of my driver’s license:

  • Sex: Yes, please!
  • Height: 5’4″ AND A HALF
  • Weight: 120 pounds (I’m the only person who lies by ADDING 5 pounds)
  • Hair: None of your business
  • Eyes: Navy blue
  • Donor (wanted): Sperm
  • Body: 12-year-old boy

Stretching the truth

Anatomists say that if you stretch and lay out the small and large intestines, those will cover the space of a soccer stadium; or was it a foosball table? I always get that confused.

Here I am with Templeton (California) Fire Chief White after I donated a case of The Every Excuse in the Book Book.

If I were a rich man

I saw Amish of all ages running through an airport. I was so impressed with how fit and light-footed they looked. They were fast, too. Then I realized that they weren’t Amish; they were Hasidic Jews . . . being chased by Arabs.