Since I want my money to go far, I invest in vagabonds.
If people with tattoos really want to prove that they have a high pain tolerance, then they should get married. Marriage is more expensive, but at least it’s not permanent.
I am self-employed, because by the time I was 23 I had used my allotment of “that’s not in the job description.”
If I unknowingly dated a spy, I wouldn’t worry about him planting something on me just as long as it’s not sperm.
My friend was in a serious car crash, but she’s OK. Instead of flowers I was going to send her something she could really use: a masseuse, maid, and chef, but I couldn’t find anyone who delivered.
When I’m door knocking, people fail miserably at convincing me that they lead a healthy lifestyle. During one man’s tale, pizza was delivered. Another man was holding a beer and smelled like a bar at 2 a.m. (Someday will have to be last call, buddy!) A woman took a call and told her friend that she wanted two orders of fish sticks with extra tartar sauce. Another woman tried to catch and hide a pack of cigarettes that fell out of her car.
Musicians daydream about someone else setting up and taking down equipment for a concert. I daydream about someone turning on and off my computer.
The restaurant industry has taken a big step back in accommodating people with celiac disease. I asked a worker at an ice cream shop which flavors were gluten free. She said, “All of our ice creams that don’t have gluten in them are gluten free, if that makes sense.”
When I tell a cat lover that I don’t like cats, they inevitably proceed to tell me cat stories. Even someone with autism would read that social cue accurately.
Most dogs are mixed breed: half pure bred and half over-fed.
I don’t feel well,
Hurry. Take a pill,
Heaven forbid my body,
Can cure my temporary ill.
Oh, no! GMO!
Don’t change that seed!
I’ll fight you in Washington,
As I smoke my weed.
A glass a day is OK,
My doctor said so,
Though advice from the morbidly obese?
He can’t even see his toes.
Science doesn’t matter,
I’ll do what I want,
I fought in the war,
Now my country owes me a lot.
Kids these days,
Expect everything on a platter,
We were never that way,
Why we look like tatter.
Copyright Jeanne “Bean” Murdock 2018
I broke into an AT&T service van to see if I could get free minutes.
I was in the middle seat on a plane. On one side of me was a gang banger all tatted up, fresh out of prison, and on the other side of me was a morbidly obese woman, both smelled like cigarettes. When I sat down, the woman said, “Sorry I’m a little large. I’m afraid of flying. Sorry I’m so fat. It’s embarrassing. I need a seat belt extension. I eat a lot when I can’t smoke.” She must fly a lot. The gang banger said that it was his first time flying. I told them that they didn’t have to worry about the pilots dying, because there was a spare pilot all suited up sitting across the aisle from us.
My next home is going to be a jump house. There’s nothing like coming home and doing a front flip into your living room.
I used to think that a room’s thermostat should be set at the average desired temperature of the room’s occupants. I changed my mind. Only the eutrophic people should have a say. In other words, if you don’t take care of yourself well enough to be a healthy weight, then you shouldn’t have a say. If you have enough extra blubber to feed an Eskimo family for a week, then move to Alaska. Don’t make me endure 60 degrees when it’s 80 outside. Don’t make me put on a jacket, because you choose to drive from errand to errand . . . in the same block . . . before hitting the drive through. Don’t make my fingers turn blue, because you insist on eating everything on your plate—a plate that’s big enough to block out the sun.
I can only imagine how a GPS would function for a storm chaser. “Turn left in 500 feet to get the f— out of here. In one foot, turn the hell around. I said turn the hell around. There’s a tornado right in front of you, asshole. I’m sorry. I’m outta here. You’re on your own. Goodbye.”
I am going to have elected surgery, because the majority of my friends want me to.
When I was setting up a new online account, I had to answer security questions in case I lost my username and password. These were the questions and my answers:
- If money was no object, what would you do all day? Play God.
- Where did you meet your significant other? GQ Magazine.
- Where did your mother and your father meet? At the sperm bank.
- What is the name of the city you got lost in once? Vatican City.
- What is your father’s middle name? Dead.
- What is your favorite city to visit? My own.
- What is your favorite flower? Alive.
- What subject should be taught in school that isn’t already? Comedy.
- What time of day were you born? Swing shift.
- What was the model of the second car you owned? Fabio.
- If you could eat only one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Cooked.
- What is your favorite book? That which I don’t have to read.
- What is your mother’s favorite thing to do in her spare time? Haunt me.
- What is your parent’s wedding anniversary? (White) Flag Day.
- What nickname did your grandmother call you? “Huh?”
- What song do you think you could have sung better than the professional singer? Any modern country song.
- What was the first concert you attended? Sober?
- What was the last name of your second grade teacher? Hotty. No that was fifth grade.
- What was the name of your first boyfriend? Shawn Cassidy; he just didn’t know it.
- What was your favorite childhood game? Screaming to get my way.
- If you change any feature about yourself what would it be? Really? Have you seen me?
- If you could have chosen a different career what would it be? Paid.
- What is the name of your favorite beverage? A tall drink of water.
- What is the name of your favorite cancelled TV show? America’s Got Talent.
- What is your favorite board game to play with friends? Strip poker.
- What was the name of your first college roommate? Ed. Oh, wait. That was the name of the first guy I slept with in college.
- What was the name of the park closest to where you grew up? Parallel Park.
- What was the name of the street you grew up on? No Way.
- Where do you want to travel but probably will never go? Watts.
- What is the name of your favorite historical figure? Mesomorph.
I coined a new term: Ipsigender. I’ll use it in a sentence: I am ipsigender. I am the same gender now as I was when I was born.
I used to have such a cheap landlord. His idea of central air conditioning was a ceiling fan in the middle of the apartment.
Living in a farm town, lifeguards at the community pool aren’t kids home on summer break; they’re border patrol agents.
Bachelorette party games are so lame. The only one I’m willing to play is guess who’s going home with the stripper.
Companies are mandating sensitivity training for their employees. That’s a waste of time. It would be better to teach employees how to guess age. I don’t want to be charged the senior rate!
If I were to re-offer personal fitness training, I would re-name my business Body Shamers, I mean Body Shapers.
When I die I want to have an open-casket funeral so that I can see all my friends walk by. I love people-watching. “Cheryl! You look great! And, I’m the one with all the make-up on.”
When I meet a guy, I go through the following mental checklist:
- Deal breaker (DB): Has kids. Acceptable (A): Married
- DB: Shaves body. A: Shaves face
- DB: Owns cat. A: Eats cat
- DB: Funnier than me. A: Laughs at all my jokes
- DB: College dropout. A: College age
- DB: Doesn’t vote. A: Voted most likely to model for GQ
- DB: Can’t balance a checkbook. A: Gives me control of checkbook
- DB: Has never traveled internationally (Canada and Mexico don’t count. Neither does Hawaii.). A: Cooks internationally
- DB: Wanted. A: Discarded
- DB: Pre-historic. A: Historian
- DB: Drug user. A: Pharmacist
- DB: Senseless. A: Sensual
- DB: Leaves toilet seat up. A: Lid down
- DB: Overweight. A: Will wait for me
- DB: Criminal record. A: Olympic record
I accidentally met with my seamstress to get my hair done. She gave me a weave.
When I was door knocking, a woman barely let me introduce myself. Just when she was about to slam the door in my face, her great Pyrenees dog (120+ pounds) bolted out and wrapped his jaws around the right side of my rib cage. Then the woman asked, “Who do I make the check out to?”
Some offices have casual Friday. My company has business Tuesday.
Celebrity wedding proposals are aired in prime time, and their divorces are aired in syndication.