Category Archives: On My Mind

Ah, the raunchy days

Speaking of bans, let’s ban all the people who made it so that comedy writers and performers “can’t say that anymore” and deport them to a time when they laughed alongside of us, rather than pretend to be ultra-caring. Compassion is not saying, “That’s offensive!” Compassion is an action.

Time’s up?!

People proudly display data from wristbands that track exercise volume. I would be much more interested in data that depicts how much time one has to live, adjusted daily for lifestyle habits, and how would it affect one’s choices and declaration to live life to the fullest.

CDL

I’m not shy about sharing the details of my driver’s license:

  • Sex: Yes, please!
  • Height: 5’4″ AND A HALF
  • Weight: 120 pounds (I’m the only person who lies by ADDING 5 pounds)
  • Hair: None of your business
  • Eyes: Navy blue
  • Donor (wanted): Sperm
  • Body: 12-year-old boy

Stretching the truth

Anatomists say that if you stretch and lay out the small and large intestines, those will cover the space of a soccer stadium; or was it a foosball table? I always get that confused.

Here I am with Templeton (California) Fire Chief White after I donated a case of The Every Excuse in the Book Book.

If I were a rich man

I saw Amish of all ages running through an airport. I was so impressed with how fit and light-footed they looked. They were fast, too. Then I realized that they weren’t Amish; they were Hasidic Jews . . . being chased by Arabs.

I took this photo on Great Keppel Island, Great Barrier Reef, Australia (1992). I was following the bird and talking to it, so that I could have the perfect shot. “OK. Right there. No, stop. OK. Good. No wait. Don’t turn around. The camera loves you. Perfect. Thank you.”

Population control

If I were ever to venture to a country like Afghanistan, I wouldn’t worry about stepping on an IUD and having it go off, because then I couldn’t get pregnant.

Driving down the cost

Car insurance premiums are based on how many accidents and tickets you’ve had, but they should be based on how many times you weren’t caught. “Did you run three red lights, today, and not get caught? Good job. Here’s a discount. Did you rear-end someone, and the driver didn’t ask for your insurance card? Here’s a discount. Did you drive the wrong way down a one-way street and make all of the other cars turn around? Here’s a discount.” And, what about the student discount? “Did you make it all the way through high school and earned your diploma, but you still don’t know how to read? Here’s a discount. Did you cheat on the DMV vision test by memorizing all of the letters before closing one eye? Here’s a discount.”

Rolling eyes

I heard a young registered dietitian tell a man in a wheelchair that he needs to keep track of how much he walks every day. Sorry, Folks. I don’t offer nutrition counseling anymore. You’ll have to learn from her.

Book worm hole

Some people think out loud when they’re deciding whether or not to buy one of my books. Whatever they say that they will do with the book, I agree (as a closing tactic).
“I’m a personal trainer. I would use it as a teaching tool.”
“Good idea,” I say.
“If I bought the book I would flush it down the toilet.”
“Good idea. It’s a clog buster.”
“If I bought the book I would take it to a book burning.”
“Good idea. You have to stay warm.”
“If I bought the book it would just sit on a shelf and collect dust.”
“Good idea. Maria has to have something to clean.”

Season opener

Through the decades, men establish a woman’s availability differently depending on age. In their 20s: “Are you single?” 50s: “Are you divorced?” 70s: “Are you widowed?”

Excuses revitalized

The Every Excuse in the Book Book has been updated. One of the changes I made, per the request of many, was to enlarge the font size. Written in 1995–timelessly–and published in 2005, thousands of copies have already been sold. Now schools are using Excuses to reinforce positive behavior and as a teaching tool to help children convert excuses–I Can’t–into I Can! Click here to read excerpts and to order a copy.