Category Archives: On My Mind

Gold meddlist

ESPN will host an X-games decathlon for the morbidly obese. The extreme sports will include:
1. Walking up a theater aisle
2. Parking far away from a buffet
3. Standing up from a beach chair
4. Getting in/out of bed
5. Bathing
6. Eating slowly and in moderation
7. Confining to one airplane seat
8. Breathing inaudibly
9. Swimming underwater
10. Dressing

Put it on ice

I watched my brother’s old refrigerator get picked up by the utility company. It was part of a program to get homeowners to use less electricity. His electric bill will drop a lot, but his salt bill will increase. Anyway, there were about 20 refrigerators on the flat-bed truck. My brother collected 50 bucks. I asked the worker how much I could get for my old vibrator. He didn’t think that was funny. Before the worker left he asked me for a drink of water. I asked, “Why don’t you get water from one of the refrigerators?”


I had a flashback to Kindergarten and bobbing for apples. What a health hazard! It should have been called bobbing for meningitis. Later in the day we shared hair brushes and played on rusty playground equipment with chipping lead paint.

Loaded invitation

What is the statute of limitations on wedding gifts? How long do you have to wait to re-marry to be able to ask for gifts, again? And, what if you’re marrying the same person? If the time is fewer than five years, then I would get divorced and re-married. If it’s less than one year, then I would get married, get an annulment, get married, get an annulment.

Playing hard ball

Having sex with me is like playing baseball. Even if you strike out . . . after eight other players get up, you have another chance to get in the box.


I heard that 2 of the 10 commandments are now considered outdated: “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”  Well that’s what I heard Tiger Woods say.

Darn! I was going to buy this blouse to wear to bed, on a plane, and to a bonfire.


I saw a commercial where the spokesman for a hospital said, “We surveyed our emergency room patients and found that 98% of them would use our facility again.”  The other 2% died waiting to be seen.

Take a load off

Just when I think that I’ve dumped all of my emotional baggage, a carry-on lands on my head. And then there’s the make-up bag—the one that paints the facade that I am well-adjusted.

Cash discount

After I collected my change from my pre-paid gas, I found that the cashier short-changed me a few cents. I told him, and he gave me the rest that was due. Sure that he did this on purpose, I counted my change carefully the second time I was there. Same thing happened. When he was collecting my change the third time I was there, I said, “Don’t short-change me on purpose again.” A big smile swept across his face. Busted! The cashier was not embarrassed at all. He loved that I caught him. The business must be making a nice profit short-changing people, who don’t count their money.

In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.

Thinking ahead

Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?

Not exactly

I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”

Go with the flow

Some people keep wine in a cellar. I keep men. 1990 was a good year. I have two of those. I even have one from 1986 for an extra special occasion. Extra special. Of course I have a few from 2002. They need to age a little longer. When friends come over I take them down there to see what I have. One year I decorated it for Halloween. There were a lot of skeletons and ghosts. I keep each one lying down, so that his bobber stays moist. I would take a date down there, but that would be awkward. I wouldn’t want him to think they’re all for me—that I have an addiction. I donate here and there for fundraisers, but never for events relating to children. That would be giving the wrong message.

Word thief

When I was door knocking, a man accused me of being a burglar and then called the police. What was I stealing? A book from each house? I read everything the library has!

You mean the world to us not anymore

In the judicial system, people are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In the entertainment industry: Turn a blind eye until a celebrity is accused and then presume guilt before he can negatively affect your net worth.