Category Archives: On My Mind

Buyer be wear

I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.

Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html

Three Mile Island

I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.

Spermicide

I have had unprotected sex many times and have never been pregnant. I think that my ova carry pepper spray when they’re out for a stroll through the fallopian tubes.

I can’t watch

If people with tattoos really want to prove that they have a high pain tolerance, then they should get married. Marriage is more expensive, but at least it’s not permanent.

Off topic of comedy, on topic of getting off the couch and seeing the world . . . Today I was at Glacier National Park, Montana, making the “V” for victory and “50” signs. I did 50 by 50. Today I completed my goal of seeing all 50 states by the time I turn 50 (October 2018).

1800-rent-a-spouse

My friend was in a serious car crash, but she’s OK.  Instead of flowers I was going to send her something she could really use: a masseuse, maid, and chef, but I couldn’t find anyone who delivered.

Tale of too unhealthy

When I’m door knocking, people fail miserably at convincing me that they lead a healthy lifestyle. During one man’s tale, pizza was delivered. Another man was holding a beer and smelled like a bar at 2 a.m. (Someday will have to be last call, buddy!) A woman took a call and told her friend that she wanted two orders of fish sticks with extra tartar sauce. Another woman tried to catch and hide a pack of cigarettes that fell out of her car.

Push my buttons

Musicians daydream about someone else setting up and taking down equipment for a concert. I daydream about someone turning on and off my computer.

Senseless logic

The restaurant industry has taken a big step back in accommodating people with celiac disease. I asked a worker at an ice cream shop which flavors were gluten free. She said, “All of our ice creams that don’t have gluten in them are gluten free, if that makes sense.”

Entitled Ignorance

I don’t feel well,
Hurry. Take a pill,
Heaven forbid my body,
Can cure my temporary ill.

Oh, no! GMO!
Don’t change that seed!
I’ll fight you in Washington,
As I smoke my weed.

A glass a day is OK,
My doctor said so,
Though advice from the morbidly obese?
He can’t even see his toes.

Science doesn’t matter,
I’ll do what I want,
I fought in the war,
Now my country owes me a lot.

Kids these days,
Expect everything on a platter,
We were never that way,
Why we look like tatter.

Copyright Jeanne “Bean” Murdock 2018