It doesn’t bother me that I’m not married. I’d rather die an old maid than made old.
Bernie Madoff has a framed dollar bill with the caption: first dollar swindled.
Nanogreens is named such because its effect on your health is infinitesimal.
I saw a really cute blouse that I wanted to buy to wear on a date. Since it was on sale for only 70% off, I didn’t buy it. If I’m going to wear a blouse on a hot date, I want it 100% off.
Happy Halloween! At an airport I saw a gate agent wearing a nurse costume. I loved it. All gate and ticket agents should dress as nurses. She was patient and nice.
With my last therapist there was a role reversal. She was the one lying on the couch. And she just lay there. Her name was Jane Doe.
I saw a lady who bought The Every Excuse in the Book Book a few months ago. She said, “I love it. I keep it in my bathroom. I just have two pages left.” I don’t want to know what happened to the other 294 pages.
I don’t mind living paycheck to paycheck. It’s better than living loan to loan.
Kanye West’s last name is an indication of which direction he should go with his music: out into the middle of the ocean where no one can hear it.
My biggest pet peeve: cat
Here I am with Jordan Hockett who is a proud owner of “The Every Excuse in the Book Book.” I am holding the pumpkin I carved in his pumpkin carving class. There’s still time to sign up for other classes. Thank you Bob Simola for taking the photo. http://www.jordanhockett.com/index.html
A new body type, besides endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph, has been added: convex.
I developed a spray called Three Mile Island. For once I would like to be able to shop without listening to a screaming child. Now when I walk by a child who is having a meltdown, I point the bottle toward the child’s opened mouth. The spray contains sugar and a mild tranquilizer. Next will be a spray for parents who are bad at disciplining children. It will induce spontaneous sterilization.
I have had unprotected sex many times and have never been pregnant. I think that my ova carry pepper spray when they’re out for a stroll through the fallopian tubes.
Since I want my money to go far, I invest in vagabonds.
If people with tattoos really want to prove that they have a high pain tolerance, then they should get married. Marriage is more expensive, but at least it’s not permanent.
I am self-employed, because by the time I was 23 I had used my allotment of “that’s not in the job description.”
If I unknowingly dated a spy, I wouldn’t worry about him planting something on me just as long as it’s not sperm.
My friend was in a serious car crash, but she’s OK. Instead of flowers I was going to send her something she could really use: a masseuse, maid, and chef, but I couldn’t find anyone who delivered.
When I’m door knocking, people fail miserably at convincing me that they lead a healthy lifestyle. During one man’s tale, pizza was delivered. Another man was holding a beer and smelled like a bar at 2 a.m. (Someday will have to be last call, buddy!) A woman took a call and told her friend that she wanted two orders of fish sticks with extra tartar sauce. Another woman tried to catch and hide a pack of cigarettes that fell out of her car.
Musicians daydream about someone else setting up and taking down equipment for a concert. I daydream about someone turning on and off my computer.
The restaurant industry has taken a big step back in accommodating people with celiac disease. I asked a worker at an ice cream shop which flavors were gluten free. She said, “All of our ice creams that don’t have gluten in them are gluten free, if that makes sense.”
When I tell a cat lover that I don’t like cats, they inevitably proceed to tell me cat stories. Even someone with autism would read that social cue accurately.
Most dogs are mixed breed: half pure bred and half over-fed.
I don’t feel well,
Hurry. Take a pill,
Heaven forbid my body,
Can cure my temporary ill.
Oh, no! GMO!
Don’t change that seed!
I’ll fight you in Washington,
As I smoke my weed.
A glass a day is OK,
My doctor said so,
Though advice from the morbidly obese?
He can’t even see his toes.
Science doesn’t matter,
I’ll do what I want,
I fought in the war,
Now my country owes me a lot.
Kids these days,
Expect everything on a platter,
We were never that way,
Why we look like tatter.
Copyright Jeanne “Bean” Murdock 2018