Category Archives: On My Mind

In May I toured Cooper Institute in Dallas, TX. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, father of aerobics, is still working and practicing what he preaches. I didn’t get to meet him, but my Quackery! book was passed along to him. I was told that he gets annoyed when someone says that Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda is the father(mother) of aerobics. Oh, yes. He’ll like my book.

Thinking ahead

Engaged couples should be more practical when setting up a wedding gift registry. What they should prepare for is their relationship falling apart. Accordingly, gifts they should request include therapist, lawyer, separate bank accounts, comfortable couch that can fit in a friend’s home, dog house, gallons of alcohol, and clothes appropriate for court. What did I miss?

Not exactly

I passed a woman who stopped and said, “Wait. I know you. You, you, you, you’re the one who wrote that book . . . the book about . . . no exercising . . .”

Go with the flow

Some people keep wine in a cellar. I keep men. 1990 was a good year. I have two of those. I even have one from 1986 for an extra special occasion. Extra special. Of course I have a few from 2002. They need to age a little longer. When friends come over I take them down there to see what I have. One year I decorated it for Halloween. There were a lot of skeletons and ghosts. I keep each one lying down, so that his bobber stays moist. I would take a date down there, but that would be awkward. I wouldn’t want him to think they’re all for me—that I have an addiction. I donate here and there for fundraisers, but never for events relating to children. That would be giving the wrong message.

Word thief

When I was door knocking, a man accused me of being a burglar and then called the police. What was I stealing? A book from each house? I read everything the library has!

You mean the world to us not anymore

In the judicial system, people are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In the entertainment industry: Turn a blind eye until a celebrity is accused and then presume guilt before he can negatively affect your net worth.

He who kills brain cells

I heard two drunk guys in a bar comparing notes about being named Larry. They were validating one another’s ideas of the origin of their name—clearly making it up as they were going along. From what I heard, the true meaning of the name Larry is dumbass.

Hacked

I was really sick recently.  I caught the same virus as my computer.  I was locked up for days.  That’s what I get for clicking with someone who looks too good to be true.

Indecent composure

When I was on a walk, I saw a man running in my direction with his left hand out. When he neared, I stopped and cupped his hand with my hands and placed his hand on my chest. I said, “Aah. Thank you for offering.” He said, “What are you doing? I was just waving.”

Vow not to veer

In my town the court house is across the street from DMV. So, a couple can get married and then walk across the street to drive each other crazy.

Two hundred of us filled San Luis Obispo Airport to give 23 veterans a welcome home from their Honor Flight. Here I am with one of them–Korean War veteran Ted Gilbert–one of my clients. I’m writing his life story, and boy does he have stories. I’m excited for the book to be published. Don’t let the wheelchair fool you. He still manages a ranch by himself.

Happy to help

I check out outdated and other misinforming exercise books from the library and then throw them out. I don’t mind paying the lost fee. It’s one of my philanthropic ways.

I had a long argument with a young (20 y.o.?) worker who wouldn’t give me a receipt. He finally admitted, “I don’t know how to write a receipt.” So, I told him what to write. He still seemed to struggle, though, and I was wondering what his problem was. Then I saw the receipt. He didn’t know how to write! So, public schools are no longer teaching cursive or printing?!

Passed away

El Paso de Robles originally translated to Pass of the Oaks. With all the clear-cutting and planting of grape vines, El Paso de Robles now means Oaks are Passé.

Dances by Self

I’ve been around Native Americans my whole life. As a child, I was nicknamed Runs with Scissors; offering personal fitness training in San Diego, I was Works for Jews; and now I am Laughs at Self.

Here I am with fellow author Col. George Marrett, ret. USAF. Check out his books, including “Testing Death” and “Cheating Death.” I love that he writes with humor. Col. Marrett flew 188 combat missions on the Douglas A-1 Skyraider in Vietnam and tested more than forty types of military aircraft in twenty-five years as a test pilot for the Air Force and Hughes Aircraft Company.

Ones in a while

At a grocery store I watched the customer ahead of me at the checkout stand. She divided her groceries into two transactions.  After she paid cash for the first transaction, she shuffled the change with the other bills in her hand.  Attempting a con, she told the cashier that she was owed $8, but only received three ones.  While the cashier rang the second half of her groceries, he thought about the change carefully and said, “Oh, I do remember giving you $8 . . . but I also remember giving someone $4.”

Technically a mutt

If I were to choose a vocation based on my heritage, Irish, German, Armenian, I would weave rugs on a state-of-the-art loom I designed while drunk. What would your job be?

Shoulda worn a condom

A California man in a state of distress took his child and fled the county. They were found the next day, and the man was charged with child endangerment. In other states that’s called divorce.

Here I am with Clive–my first customer on Lanai. He was personal butler to David Murdock ([no relation] former owner of Lanai) for one year. Now he works for Rabaca’s Limousine Service. Ask him for a ride!

Take a stand

From now on the National Anthem will not precede NFL games. Instead the song will be Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” aka Please Stand Up.